Herts 1,000th Weekend 6th - 8th February 2004

Lea Valley YHA, Cheshunt, Herts


May I begin with a very heartfelt thank you to all of you for coming to make this 1,000th run so special, it wouldn’t have been the same without your attendance!  After all of the hard work that has been put in, before the event, in getting the Hostel, waiting for it to be finished, getting the Beer/drinks sorted, working on the Trash, the Friday Black Dress etc, the do its self just went so quickly. Are you sitting comfortably?  Now let me begin.

Friday Afternoon & I travelled over to Hertford with Junior, while on the Bus my mobile rang & the caller was Fat Bastard, he asked “Is it this weekend?”  The theme to Twilight Zone echoed around my mind!  He & Cup Cake had arrived early at the venue & were wondering where the rest of the Gang were at.  Having reassured him I was on my way, I was slightly diverted when I joined Junior & Mark E Mark in the old Cross Tavern for a quick one before getting the Train to Chestnut.

            Having alighted from the Train, I was immediately accosted by a band of Scots in the shape of Olymprick, Ruby, Oral Sex & Swampy, they were weighed down with loads of bags to resemble a bunch of illegal immigrants!  They needed “nae Pipes” to put the wind up the local Sassenach Populous.  I personally escorted them all of the 300 yards or so to the Hostel where we found quiet a lot of Hashers already starting to overrun the place.  Although I should have left behind the one who claimed that she thought Herts was a town above London!!!

I was surprised by so many early arrivals & had to quickly set about putting the Trashes together (hopefully everyone received one?) I.E., Goose & Skip helped with the collation & stapling, which was pretty good going as they straining their necks to laugh at its content & more importantly to see what had been written about them! 

Next was to get the “Wit & Wisdom of Herts Hash” DVD’s in to the Goody Bags that Bus Stop had already put together.  Did any of the Harriettes manage to suss out the femidoms, they looked like they would be something akin to using a carrier bag for contraception!

With Goodie Bags complete, it was time to man the registration.  I.E. said that she didn’t know half of these Hashers, fortunately being much travelled in the Hash world, I knew nearly all of the B*stards registered!  No need for me to look up people’s names & this aided in getting their ten pound key deposit off of them & helping majority get booked in their rooms. 

Psycho soon found that we had an abundance of Scottish Tenners in the float, which she was keeping in a safe place.  I am sworn not to tell you where her secret stash was but I can say that her bust measurement went up several cup sizes that evening! 

The Bar was opened, Daffy Dildo & Half Way made their way there by an unusual mode of transport, they bounced there upon space hoppers they had borrowed from the kids room!  The Kids room also proved a temptation for Charlatan as there was a decent baby-foot table in there.  I never got the chance to give him a game trashing at table football we had arranged for over the weekend.

After a slight distraction of hearing about Ewok having a dream/nightmare scenario (depending on your perspective) about me chasing her, she said the dream finished with out her knowing what happened in the end!  We’ll have to wait to see if it is a recurring one & what happens in part two!  There was another diversion of watching Swampy from Edinburgh trying to overthrow Fat Bastard, I have seen plenty try & fail before!

The next time I glanced up at the clock it was time for me to get out to the Windmill Pub & start laying the Full Moon Black Dress Run, shame I didn’t take a bag of flour with me!  I had to wait for the level crossing barriers to go back up & return to the Hostel, which can take about up to 15 minutes when at peak times, as many found out!

My Lil’ Spermhead sorted me out with a bag of flour & it was back to the Windmill.  Christ almighty there was no room at the Inn, it was packed out with a sea of Hashers all decked out in their little black numbers, or large black ones in quite a few cases.  No one seemed in a hurry to leave, which gave me ample time to make some headway on setting the Trail for the F.U.K. Full Moon Trail No.193.

 I told My Lil’ Spermhead to inform Smartarse that I was out laying the first stage to the second Pub, I placed a large On! On! with an arrow outside the Windmill to direct the Pack on down the allay beside the Pub, so it was a shame when it was ignore by all but a handful of the Pack.  More annoying was my co-Hare didn’t even try & get anyone to follow it.

While I ran around the back of the Red Cow to avoid it & the Maltsters, which were Pubs 3 & 4 on the intended Trail, the rest just went in to the afore mentioned Pubs.  Still the co-Hare made no effort to try & get the Pack back on Track.  I arrived at the Force & Firkin & made my way through the scrum of burly looking locals to get a drink.  This Pub had been sussed out on a previous “Wet Run” & the Landlord was expecting us.

After half an hour I was beginning to wonder as to the whereabouts of the rest, my thoughts also turned to ponder if I would get out of the place & back to base in one piece on my own, especially wearing a Black dress on the streets of Cheshunt? 


Just as I was giving up hope & started to make excuses to the Landlord for the promised packs absence.  Ironically, the first to come to the rescue was Lone Ranger, who appeared complete with blonde wig that would scare anyone off!  He was joined by Chip Monk, Lay By, Bouncer, One Loos Le Trek & Blitzen.  Now we had a small gathering but not enough to feel overly safe, there are some dodgy Pubs in this part of Town, that’s why I had to reconnoitre the area.

After an hour or so a lot more managed to find the place, no entry ticket was needed as it was obvious to the doorman who the Hash were by our attire, they could tell we were a class act, though they must have thought that some were a drag act!  Some of the girls were sporting little black numbers which looked like they could have been latest by Alexander McQueen!  The Blokes looked more like a cross between Steve McQueen, in the tangled mess when he was up caught in the barbed-wire at the end of the Great Escape, & the Ugly Sisters! 

It truly seemed like a Pantomime when I heard from some of those who had caught up, that someone large & with a stupid laugh, obviously doesn’t know their left from their right.  He had told the Pack to head up to the high street & take a left, not to go the other way as they would get stabbed in the pubs that off to the right.  This meant that some of the Pack ended up in the less than friendly Pubs that we had tried to avoid!  Some where treated to some verbal abuse about being “Sick” & “Perv’s in dresses” from the narrow minded!  Should have followed the Trail that was put down!

Back in the Force & Firkin the locals couldn’t have been any friendlier toward us, in fact they thought we were hilarious as we entertained them on the Karaoke.  With Daffy Dildo sporting a spiky black wig, the locals could have easily mistaken us for a Siouxie & the Banshees fan club outing, many would be sporting her sullen black eyed look in the morning but with out the make-up.  Once the Karaoke started in earnest they soon found out that we weren’t so much a tribute to Siouxie Sioux but something more akin to the Banshee spirits whose torturous, demonic wailing is famed in Irish myths!

For some reason unknown to me, Me Julie was telling us that she reckons she has really bony elbows & knees!  The way she described herself as skin & bone made her sound like a KFC Bargain Bucket!  I shall refrain from any “Finger lickin’ good!” jokes.

What a Karaoke it turned out to be!  An eagle-eyed Blitzen spotted “Jilted John” by Jilted John, the request form was filled out & delivered to the DJs.  Blitzen, One Loos & Myself were up like a shot to perform this epic song, we could tell that the Audience were stunned by the look on their faces & the DJs looked on in awe/angst (delete as appropriate) as we belted it out without even having to look at the screen!

This was one of the highlights that made my night, if only the rest of the Hash & the JJ Fan Club could have been there to join in!  After a stunning rendition, all of the others thought that they could sing, Pah!  We did have a load of request forms already filled out including Tops singing “Alice”, she failed to arrive but this didn’t stop the Pack from belting it out & entertaining the local civilians with the Chubby Brown inspired unedited version.  Some even had a go at singing properly, Goose was up there crooning Blueberry Hill. 

Mark E Mark was called upon by the DJ to sing a Robbie Williams track but was still in the Kharzi when it started, so the DJ sang the whole track, with Mark E Mark arriving late he was given the other microphone with which he added subtle “Uh-ha’s” at the end of each line!  Zing-a-long-a-max was up for Delilah & later claimed it was in the wrong key for him since no of the audience threw their knickers at him, nor their Y-fronts to scare him off.

We were well ensconced within the Force & Firkin, there no intention of moving on to any of the other Pubs now, it was a shame the rest couldn’t have joined in with the atmosphere here.  Meanwhile, Smartarse carried out the Hits with the other fragmented part of the Full Moon Pack, in hindsight it worked out well being split up as there were too many people for the size of most of the Pubs.  Those with Mr. Arse got to see the excellent front cover of the F.U.K. Full Moon Trash, complete with a triple Full Moon outside of the Moon House Restaurant in Romford, unfortunately in this particular shot I appear to have my undercarriage dangling down on show!  Balls!

Back in the Force & Firkin, we now had the pleasure of P-Rick joining us, he wasn’t completely wearing Black as he his outer layer of clothing was subtle beige, he was wearing the FUK Full Moon Sack of Shit award, a striking creation of Hessian that could almost pass for an original Jean-Paul Gautier or Vivian Westwood!

Thunderthighs had acquired one of Mark E Mark’s shoes, this she had tied to her waist, she was getting pretty squiffy & refused to give the shoe back.  Mark E Mark was persistent in trying to retrieve the said item of footwear but Thunderthighs wasn’t going to surrender it & made good her escape to the Hostel.  Mark E Mark was left to eventually hobble back minus one shoe, strangely enough his requests for someone to lend him one fell on deaf ears, he was unanimously turned down!

Some time after mid-night we moved on back to the Hostel, there were soup & rolls available in the Kitchen for the hungry.  More Booze for the perpetually thirsty as the Bar was in full swing, it wasn’t the only place with a dynamic atmosphere, those who had made their way upstairs to the dance floor to carry on partying with Flip Top’s Disco drank & danced the early morning away.  After all of her terrific work with


reception & dealing with bookings, I.E. was letting her hair down big style, she was going for it like a whirling Dervish, something that would catch up with her! 

I went to town with “Baggy Trousers”, thanks to whoever captured my delightful singing/cat calling of all of the lyrics to this Madness hit & then sending it to me so I had a voice mail of it all in the morning!  You know I could have been a singer, my only slight hindrance being unable to hold a note.  Red Light was a bit miffed when she heard about missing out on the Karaoke as she can actually belt out a decent song, it would have been a lot more preferable than their being abused in the Weatherspoons’ Pub.

Everyone seemed to have gone for it big style Friday, mouldy Dick caught out Edinburgh Swampy when he challenged her to a wine Down-Down race.  She downed her wine while he stood there with his arms folded & laughing like a Hyena Drain, Doh!

 Lay By was surprised to hear that the Disco was eventually going to stop, “It’s a bit early for that!” she exclaimed but then became very apologetic when she saw it was twenty to three!  I was prepared to keep the bar open but thankfully most had drifted away.  We did want some of the Hash to be up & half awake enough to take part in our 1,000th Run in the Morning.

Saturday Morning, Junior was obviously very attached to his little black number as he was still wearing his Black Dress when he arose, as were a few others.  Mark E Mark looked as if he was now an honorary member of a Native American Tribe as he had one black foot hanging out from the top bunk, a charming sight for first thing!  He wanted to know where his one of his Red socks had disappeared to overnight & how it had been replaced by one of Max Boyce’s multicoloured stripy ones?

Down for Breakfast & it was quite raucous in the dining room, this was mainly down to P-Rick, Mouldy Dick & the rest of the Isle of Wight mob, the main topic of their conversation was the fact that Mongrel didn’t sleep in her own basket that night, nor any night over the weekend!  Mouldy had just got his full English & sat down, I remembered his love of toast for Breakfast at the Newcastle weekend, I promptly removed his plate leaving just the two slices for him!  Do not fear, I returned his breakfast to him as I wouldn’t want to see him starve!  Fat chance of that I hear you say!

There was no sign of I.E. for breakfast.  Goose explained that she had spent most of the night talking on the big white telephone, who was she calling at that time of the morning?  God apparently though it sounded more like as if she was calling for Hughie Blaauurghh but neither returned her call!

Charlatan put in a request to be moved away from the snoring in his dorm, he must have been billeted with the chainsaw that is Hughie Blaauurghh.  He was moved to a quieter spot & all was well.  Ironically I sit here typing away with a large box of ear plugs beside me, these were meant to go in the Goodie Bags & I forgot to take them to the weekend.  Doh!

 Eric the Re-tread would have appreciated those ear-plugs as he was kept awake by Twonk & Mongrel’s night time shenanigans, he was all for getting them a Down-Down for this from the Herts RA, Twonk doesn’t normally need grassing up & he would get enough Hits without this particular misdemeanour, which was right at the bottom of the usual predictably long list!

Now it seems that in the dark of the previous evening some people had a bit of trouble parking & had misjudged the softness of the freshly laid turfs, in the cold light of day it was plain to see that the turfs by the main entrance had been more than mullered.  Fergus pointed out how badly they were laid in the first place, which added to the demise of the sods.

Bouncer was definitely one culprit, which I found out to my cost when I shook his muddy hand just after he had arrived!  At least he had got his vehicle off, but Air Head’s car was still parked halfway on the now deeply rutted bit of green, perhaps she thought that if she parked over it no one would notice?  Also there were some who had parked in front to the fire routes, so a list of numbers was put up in the dining room, just for good measure a YHA parking label was placed on the windscreen.

On such a glorious start to the morning with the Sun out, the Pack were spoilt with the choice of two Trails for the 1,000th Run, a Long & a Medium which would both meet at the beer stop & share a common route home.  My Lil’ Spermhead was the main Hare for the Long Trail, he was supposed to have been helped out with setting this by Ketch up, but he failed to show up on the Friday & get it done.  Windmill had set the medium Trail that Morning.

There was a good turn out for the Trails, only TC, Adonis & the Ancient Britons Nash Hash Committee went off to the Pub with the Bar being shut during the duration of the Trail.  Flip Top, as the GM called a circle for the Long Trail.  Amazingly he got the Run number right, without any prompting either!  He thanked all of those who had turned out for this weekend & then it was over to the Hares, My Lil’ Spermhead had little to say.  Ketch Up had even less as he knew nothing as to where the Trail would go!

The Long Trail runners set off, Smartarse was going to keep his eyes peeled & act as the other RA to me.   I was going to do the Long Trail but gave Smartarse the option, so I ended up on the Medium Trail.  The sacrifices one makes for the Hash!

The long Trail took the Pack away from the Hostel, heading north along between the railway line on the left & the small river Lea to the right.  Rajah & P-Rick where the mainstays of checking out nearly every false


trail, Hyena was also on the Long Trail but at the opposite end of the Pack ambling along as is his style in bringing up the rear, Ooh Er Missus!

As the Long Trail Pack made their way up to a CHK by the Turnford brook, they encountered a lot of ground maintenance work complete with a digger that had been re-laying the ground, the result of which can be only be best described as shiggy with the consistency of porridge, deep porridge at that!  Many tried to pussy-foot around this sludge but the Hare just said they really shouldn’t bother as the shiggy was going to get a lot worse further around the Trail.

Still at the Site, the Herts GM went through the honours once more as he called the Medium Trail Circle together,; Windmill was brought forward as the Hare to explain his markings to the Pack.

The Shorter of the two Trails started off by heading south, Lone Ranger & Skip were the keenest to search for the dust.  The Trail headed down the path beside Turners Hill Marsh, it had a quaint little loop over toward the lake before getting back on to the tarmac route.  The first CHK was by a small wooden bridge spanning one of the tributaries scattered over the whole of the Lea Valley park, this one led to Bowyers water.

Skip found flour & followed it over to Thistly Marsh, he then ran back around over to the railway line in a semicircular direction back toward the Hostel, there was no way the Trail could go that way & he soon found out he was off Trail.  Lone Ranger led the way over Thistly Marsh, down toward Bowyers water, the dust led on over to a path beside the railway line, just as the FRBs hit the sheltered side of the water a Bar stopped them to Check Back!  Skip soon found out there is a great difference between being keen & being wrong.

Back toward the centre of the Nature Reserve, the FRBs again met up with the SCBs who had been carefully swept up by Windmill along the main tarmac path.  As the Trail followed the route between the River Lea Navigation & Bowyers water, the Keenies were going to be taken on another loop up to the Railway line when they got to the end of Bowyers water. 

The FRBs found a CHK up by the allotments next to the level crossing of Trinity lane, Skip was almost tempted to wander over the tracks in search of dust, but he thought better of it, which was lucky as the dust was found down the Trinity lane to cross over Cheshunt Marsh & return to the River Lea Navigation.

Back on the Long Trail & the Keenies had advanced on through the CHKs on the River Lea Navigation tow path & to the next Lock long.  The dust led around Turnford Marsh toward the Railway line & then back out to Kings Weir on the Navigation.

Wimpy now imparted some words of Wisdom to Mumbles, he quoted from the Hash Gospel according to St. David of Holmes, no not the bit about “Coveting thy neighbours Ox”, but then one that goes “Verily do never be ahead of thine Hare!”  Mumbles was none too pleased when they both dutifully followed My Lil’ Spermhead a hell of a way down a long false Trail.  The Good Book has now been amended to read “Never entrust thine personage unto a Herts Hare, no matter thy order amongst the flock!”

In a contrast of styles between the Hares on each Trail, the Medium Trail Pack’s back markers had been shepherded along by Windmill to regroup upon a bridge over the Navigation, this was a splendid view point.  A few ramblers enquired as to what we were doing, they were enlightened & could rest in peace that the local Sanatorium had not had a mass breakout.  On again & I led the way over the Lea & took to the path over the low, flat, fallow fields of Waltham Marsh toward Waltham Abbey, we were now, Horror of Horrors, running in Essex!!!! 

My progress was soon curtailed by a Bar CHK.  The next obvious option was the Path that headed North along the east side of the Lea, a bit of short cutting over the more sodden ground for the Keenies to catch up with the rest of the Pack.  The Trail now moved over toward Horse Mill stream, which is more of a river in my humble opinion! 

My going astray meant that by the time I rejoined the Pack, I would witness Wildebeest trample a poor little Highland Terrier right in front of me, a hefty brown footprint was left on his white coat!  Lots of yelping from the dog, which was soon drowned out by yelps of laughter from the surrounding Pack!  The hound should thank its lucky stars that she wasn’t from Essex & wearing white stilettos!

The Long Trail runners were also over the Border in to our neighbouring County when they crossed the Navigation at Kings Wear, Vibrator now approached a unit that was coated in anti-climb paint.  Now being a teacher you would have thought that she would have heeded the signs?  But no, she had to touch it!  The Pack were now led up the slippery slope & down the other side of Clayton Hill & down to the Nazeing road.  They emerged by the Coach & Horses Pub on the junction with the Harlow road, no time for a drink stop just yet.

The Medium trail now ran up Powder Mill Cut, the Pack were running away from the former Royal Gunpowder Mills at Waltham Abbey.  As the Pack progressed along the Trail, the Government experimental buildings were pointed out hidden in amongst the wood on the other side of Horse Mill Stream.  The large grotesque concrete bunkers were just visible to the Pack.

The Medium Trail was now on the east side of the lakes of Turners Hill Marsh, another CHK where a path runs along the earthen ridge of Hooks Marsh ditch.  The Trail kept to the Essex side of Hooks Marsh Lake to stay along side Horse Mill stream, which by now was about 40 foot wide!  Along this stretch there were


a few Twitchers out with their scopes, Radio Soap was espied having a quick peek through one chaps optical equipment, Lone Ranger passed by & asked if she was looking for a Shag?

We kept going as she made her protestations at such a suggestion, Lone Range shouted back to educate in ways ornithological, that it a Shag happens to be a seabird.  The Trail was still in Essex but I felt better as we were getting nearer to the Beer stop.  The dust led up to the lakes covering Seventy Acre water & at the second car park beside it, we homed in on the Beer Stop hidden in the kids pay area.  It was still in Essex, mind!

Red Light was desperate for a leak, I said that as she was in White Stiletto Country, Essex, she could squat where ever she likes, when in Rome do what the Romans do!  Unsurprisingly she refused my advice & walked over to use the public toilets.  I am sure if Windsock was with us he would have reeled off a shed load of Essex Girl Jokes.

Meanwhile the Long Trail were heading toward Harlow before taking a right to run on along footpath to the top end of Galley Hill wood, now the Long Trail Hash were going to find out why the Hare had told them not to bother stepping around the earlier shiggy.  They now encountered more of the stuff & the further they descended through the wooded Galley hill, on the aptly named Claygate path, the deeper the shiggy got on the route to Aimes Green.

 The Hare did cut out a loop for those behind P-Rick & Rajah, they were left to run the whole Trail as they seemed to be enjoying it so much.  The short cut did mean that the rest of the Long Trail Pack would have even deeper shiggy to contend with, they were up to their knees in it as they moved on down Puck’s lane path!  Wimpy was now beginning to sound like a scratched record as he could only manage the utterances of “Why did you let me go on the long Trail?” to anyone who would listen.  No one could answer why he choose the wrong option!

 At the Packed Lunch stop, I had a bit of a problem undoing the plastic wrapper on my cheese, I don’t know why but the old fingers weren’t working that well.  Bouncer said to use my teeth & I declined saying that they might come out, this would haunt me later.  He helped me out by biting it in two!  As we came to the end of the packed lunches, the weather started to turn colder & some wanted to move on before the Long Trail runners arrived.

 The Pack began to slowly drift away as it began to rain slightly.  Red Light couldn’t get under way until she had got an orange, her packed lunch had a “Boring apple” in it & she wanted an Orange!  If this was the only complaint of the weekend so far I would be happy!  The Long Trail runners were approaching fast from Homefield wood, they were led out via Holyfield to run through Fishers Green to the car park & on to the hallowed Beer Stop.

The Trail resumed as one route home for both Packs & ran around Seventy Acres lake, passing the Bittern hides along the way. No doubt the Bitterns were keeping their heads down, if there were any there in the first place. The Dust now ran between the lakes & the river Lea, which was well in full flow.  The paths were now proper shiggy ones, no more being pampered on tarmac or shingle for the medium Trail runners, they too were going to get plastered by the end of the Trail. 

The going got harder as the weather had turn to rain & the stronger wind drove it in to the Hash in the more exposed areas!!!  Another CHK at an intersection between a couple of the smaller lakes, the dust took the Pack over to the River Lea navigation for the last time where it crossed over a one of the locks.  Down to the tow path below on the lower level of the lock, there was a small loop around to the penned off special marsh area before getting back to the tow path.  Bouncer successfully managed single-handed to negotiate both Goey & Crackerjack down this slope to the navigation, in a juggling act involving two kids & buggy.

 Now it was simple case of following the course of this canal back to the YHA, just as the medium Pack reached the Windmill lane car park the weather changed again as the rain clouds were blown away & the sun shone.  As the Keenies from the Medium Trail got in to the warmth of the hostel, Long Trail were still at the Beer stop & were getting slightly wet!

Back at Base & I opened up the bar to refresh the thirsty, something I counted my self as.  I was up & down like a yo-yo as the Hashers drifted in.  A pile of shiggy caked Hash shoes mounted up outside the front of reception, the long Trail R*nners arrived wearing just as much up their legs as was on their boots!

Tablewhine collared me before I consumed too much drink to ask me if I would join the InterHash committee, sensible move.  I agreed to the job & all I can say is “I ‘ate you Butler!” The Circle was held up until nearly all of the long Trail runners were back & refreshed with a well deserved drink.  Hyena managed to get around the Long Trail, it took 2½ hours for him to complete it, with a few stops for a stoke up to keep him going.

            The Circle was called outside the front of reception.  Just as I started to call out the Hares, one of my front crowns dropped out leaving a gaping hole in the front of my mouth!  I managed to see the tooth & picked it up from the gravel with out stopping in awarding the Hares their well deserved hits.  I now looked like a “Reet cuntree bumpkin”.  The Hares were rewarded for their efforts in setting the Trail.

Smartarse didn’t waste any time in calling me out for being Hare for the Full Moon Black Dress; we had Swampy, Triple Dick & Wimpy out for having birthdays around the weekend, being too tight hold their own

Birthday Parties.  P-Rick was soon out to speak out about receiving the Full Moon Hashit the night before & getting plastered in Shiggy on the Trail, the remedy for such vocal intrusions in to the circle was to give him a Down-Down to shut him up.

I was called out again for leaving the Full Moon Trail bag of Trail flour behind in the Force & Firkin!  The two Swampys present were out for a drink with their namesakes, there were two Sludges registered as well, the Herts one had to have a body double of Olymprick, who stood in for the Herts Sludge’s hit to accompany the East Grinstead Sludge.  Needless to say, the Herts Sludge did receive his Down-Down slightly later on when he returned to the Circle.

Sis was out for “Lost Property”, a dog whistle found in the Disabled Toilets.  The East Grinstead Sludge was then out again when I held up a short wooden stick that was a duck call, no one wanted to own up to possessing such a thing so I attempted to demonstrate its sound, he pointed out that I was blowing it the wrong way around, QED, it must be his as he knew it was back to front!  My smug look was soon to go as Smartarse had something up his sleeve.

 I was called upon for the third time when more “Lost Property” appeared in the circle, a pair of shorts that I got from Thunderthighs 1,000th weekend had turned up, these were allegedly found in the girl’s dorm at the Århus EuroHash, I was questioned as to how they got there?  All I Can say is why wasn’t I in them in the girl’s dorm?

I told of how we were impressed by the number of Scots who came down to our event, it’s really our own fault for attending at least one Jock Bash a year, you would have thought that we would have learnt our lesson by now?  Ram Bam was called out as she had missed the flight down with the rest from Edinburgh, some of us where beginning to suspect that she really is a natural blonde.

 Oink & Mimi were called out as their registration arrived in a Royal Mail plastic bag, a legend on the outside apologised for the state of the contents.  It looked as if the application form had been chewed by a Rottweiler, so Oink had his for not knowing the difference between a Post-box & a Rottweiler, Mimi had one for not educating him in the difference.

Hughie Blaauurghh arrived back from the Ancient Britons Meeting & was called upon for a Down-Down, this was well deserved for being the congenial host & putting me up in Glasgow, when he picked me up from the Airport he was still demisting the windscreen & so had the sun-roof open. When he closed the sun roof he yelped out “Och ma heer!” as he got his statically charged wisps of hair caught in the roof.

Vibrator & Splash were out for being teachers, this was brought to the point where they had to fill in their registration forms with Red Pens!  Wildebeest had to have her hit for dog abuse when she trod on the “Pooer wee Scottie dog”.  The packed lunch & Beer Stop hosts were awarded theirs for struggling with getting the stuff out in to ESSEX & staying on, in the brief rain for the rest of the Long Pack to arrive.  By now I.E. was almost back in the land of the living by now & she was had a small softy to Down as I wanted to keep the circle clean, a Technicolor yawn outside the front of the Hostel would not have looked too favourable.

Barbara Windsock teetered back from the Ancient Brits meeting, he was awarded the Full Moon Sack as he is the Keeper of the said item!  Tops made it back with all of Twonk’s Nash Hash paperwork, which was more than could be said of the man himself.  His Down-Downs could wait, there would be more by the end of the Saturday evening.

Finally the Hashit was going to be awarded to Psycho, for her entertaining the locals at the Rose & Crown, Chorleywood when she tried to covertly strip off to put the Hashit but was facing the Pub window & showed all her assets off in front of the locals.  Instead of keeping the filthy shirt she adorned me with it & so I got another Down-Down!!! 

After the very silly game of Trying to drown the Herts RA with Beer had finished, the floor was thrown open to any announcements, Windsock was straight in their with the Essex Weekend, next were Hughie for Glasgow & Daffy Dildo for the West London Valentines Day R*n.  As we headed back in side, the Hash could still hear faint grumblings of “Why did you let me go on the long Trail?” from Wimpy.

  Back to the Bar, I elected to work on through in to the evening as I daren’t have a kip after all of those Down-Downs, I wouldn’t have been very good at getting up again!  I was kept fairly busy as people drifted back & forth until Dinner, the YHA cooks did a great job with three choices of Curry as well as other dishes for the more finicky eaters.

The evening’s theme was “Carry On!” in tribute of the Films & that it would have been the late, great Hattie Jacques’ Birthday this day.  What a right Carry On it was, with such a broad range there was hardly anyone not in fancy dress.  Slapper was one who could be said they were taking the Pith with their fancy dress, Ketch Up was the other as Gladstone Screwer, both were complete with old colonial helmets.

Nurses (most likely Psychiatric ones) & Doctors seemed to be the most popular choice, there were more quacks on the dance floor than out in the Lea Valley Park!  There were many who wear this outfit for the occupations & they added to the effect of making the Dance floor look like a scene from Casualty!  Even Flip Top was decked out as a surgeon on the Disco, Dr Killmore I presume?



One Loos & Goose had arrived as Patients, perhaps they were hoping to get lucky when seeking some special attention from the Nurses?  Oh Matron, where they in for a shock!  They got more than they expected with Mark E Mark, Zing-a-long-a-max, Bouncer & Paxo all dressed as Nurses, not all male ones either! 

Olymprick’s outfit consisted of little more than a wig & the front panel of a piny with nothing left on the back, or to the imagination!  Cheeky!  Was he supposed to be Barbara Windsock, sorry Windsor?  It’s not often that you have to admit that Olymprick’s front is better to look at than his backside. 

            This evening there were two Big Dick Turpin the Highwayman from Carry On Dick!  One Dick being a lot bigger than the other, as Chip Monk had a large rubber phallus which was not so well hidden under his cape. Radio Soap thought I was supposed to be Adam Ant as the Dandy Highwayman, I didn’t posses white stripe across the bridge of my nose, anyway do I look that mad?  Some thought that I had gone to great lengths with my outfit & blacking out one of my front teeth!

Talking of teeth, Vibrator was wearing a set of Billy Bob teeth & a pair of inflatable tits!  Bless her, she believed it when she was told that it looked as if she was taking the piss out of my teeth, she asked me if her wonky dentures upset me?  Don’t be daft, they looked better than mine at the time.  The inflatable tits must have been uncomfortable to wear for they spent quite a while out on the table.

Smartarse was dressed as Caesar all he needed was to utter the infamous Kenneth Williams line of “Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it infamy!”  Living Bra had gone for the Toga theme as well, I suppose as the bedding was supplied it would save you carting too much in the way of costumes with you.   Cheap costumes they may have been but these were more subtle on the eye than Max Boyce’s hideously shiny multicoloured hot pants!

            Cup Cake must have been busy at her local Fancy Dress Shop during the week, having arranged Mark E Mark, Twonk & Fat Bastards outfits for the evening.  Twonk was the ancient Briton Hengest Pod, he was adorned with a Viking helmet & a coat completely made up of dead animals, what a sight this tasteless, tatty, flea ridden, mangy old thing was & the coat wasn’t much better either.  His outfit was best described as great coat vermin indeed, I would have called it Ermine but if you had seen it as well, you would agree it was more Road Kill than Regal.

Not everyone was up for a dance just yet, I.E. was still not quite in the swing of things & had found a nice niche in the corner where she could slowly enjoy her lemonade, I sniffed it to check that there was no alcohol in it & there wasn’t.  She did manage a bit of a bit of a dance, a slow shuffle that wasn’t up to the usual Rock ‘n’ Roll Jiving that She & Goose excel at with such gusto. 

I.E could have always done the same minimal dance that Junior has now perfected, this involves consuming vast amounts of alcohol, then taking to the middle ground of the dance floor.  When the Booze kicks in you will find that you are now rooted to the spot, unable to move your feet you then start strumming the air-guitar, all whilst rocking from side to side just slightly out of time to the music!  If you try this, then you too will look just like one of those tacky rocking musical flowers.   I.E. even had the Master out there on the floor to act as a mirror image!

            Slap Head is always one to go for the Fancy dress in style, he didn’t let us down as he came dress in Scots uniform, he was Private Widdle from Carry On up the Khyber, the 7th Foot & Mouth Regiment.  Someone said that they were surprised that Toy Boy didn’t dress in his old uniform as it was in a glass case in Reception, this comment being about the reproduction Roman Armour displayed there.  Toy Boy was decked out in Arabic looking gear complete with a Fez, being a Saracens’ Fez Boy I had to bow down to the main man.

Spermhead was dressed as Marshall P Nutt from Carry on Cowboy, his hat was complete with a band of peanuts to emphasize the name.  He was to have his nuts pinched as he moved about the dance floor.  No!  The type in the kernels!  These would all be broken off by passing Hashers & eaten over the night!   Tablewhine was another Cowboy, the Rumpo Kid no doubt.  Yes, I know they’re all Bloody Cowboys on the Hash, he was accompanied by Ryde who was dressed as a Saloon chorus girl.  Yee, ha!  We should count our blessings that it was a Carry On! weekend & not a Mel Brooks one, we could have had the Blazing Saddles bean eating & its aftermath around the campfire, Faaarp!

 Fortunately we didn’t have to put up with any of that line-dancing nonsense form the wild west stars!   Cooperman came the closest to that Country & Western evil with Olymprick, he caused some problems for Cooperman by grabbing him by his bad arm, he then insisted on twisting him around by it as he attempted doing his Dosie Doh’s with Cooperman on the dance floor.

3D & Slug had gone to town on the Carry on Cleo theme, the fact that they had swapped genders was surprising.  Luckily for Slug, Junior was still soberish enough not to proposition him, he probably had his blurry eyes on one of the Nurse Gladys Emmanuel look-a-likes!

Somehow during the Disco I lost my camera, personally I think it was lifted by some Artful Dodger.  Luckily for me the old Batteries went before all 128 MB were used up!  At least you can delete digital pictures, so I am now longer the highlight of the Supersnaps’ girl’s week when I used to arrive to pick up my pictures, she would ask if these where mine?  Something she jolly well knew as she displayed them to be viewed. 


Back to the Pictures, I was treated to the usual oddities that idle thumbs get up too, inlcuding one of a very drunk Mongrel prolapsed upon the floor, a few faceless torsos, more than slightly out of frame shots & some bloke exposing his todger, which was definitely not that of Big Dick the Highwayman but a Hasher who probably comes from Littlehampton? (Ffnar, Ffnar)  Some of the shots must have been around about one am, I know this as Radio Soap so elegantly (almost ladylike) held one digit aloft to indicate the time to the camera!

            Lay By asked if it would be alright to stage a Midnight Nude R*n.  Now in all honesty, if the Hash were told they could not do one, it would have taken place anyway.  Of course there would be one, we couldn’t deny any of our guests the opportunity to more feel liberated than they already where.  Judging by the skimpy outfits some were wearing, it hardly made any difference.  The Nude R*n took place & I missed out as it was that quick, it had become a more than a bit cold outside by now, I never knew that Wee Willy Winkie was in a Carry On film?  Big Dick was not so proud now either! 

For me the evening just seemed to go by so quickly, we never even got to do our one & only Hash Cabaret!  Oh well we will have to save this for a prominent occasion.  Nor did we get to hold the “Sidney James Memorial Laugh off” competition between Hyena & Boycey from the Isle of Wight.  Our failure to hold this may have well turned out to be a God Send, as in hindsight someone could have keeled over if we got them both going at full speed, we may have had a lot of Nurses present but we didn’t have the ear plugs I left at home, or more importantly, a defibrillator on hand.  No doubt the laugh off is the sort of thing that would have contravened some kind of obscure Health & Safety law!   Still it’s something to look out for when we get to the Isle of Wight’s 1,000th!

Somehow I managed to have enough energy left to “Jump Around” to House of Pain, this took its toll on my plastic sword which started off as a rapier & ended up looking as bent as a cutlass!  It proved to be very ineffective, or was it me being ineffective, when it came to a sword fight with Steve (Dr Red Light’s other half) who was dressed as a Pirate with a plastic hook.  The Bastard run me through, I should have done a Harrison Ford when he had the sh*ts during the filming of the Temple of Doom, a major sword fighting scene was changed so his Indiana Jones character just shot the sword wielding Arab!

Mind you, the amount of time we saw Dr Red Light & Steve over the weekend wasn’t that much, with them being Lurved Up & all they were busy with other things.  Perhaps instead of coming as a Captain Hook the Pirate he should have come as Peter Pan-handle!  I am sure that Dr Red Light could find something to rub on & sooth such problematic protuberance!

The Raffle was organised by Bus Stop & there were some decent drinkable prizes on offer, with various donations from the Herts crew.  H4s Sludge won the package of 8 bottles of Belgium Beers that were in order from 7% up to 12%, this was the “Must have prize” which was kindly donated by Dr Grunter, Sludge soon made sure that this was squirreled away out of the packs sight.  Barbara Windsock managed to win a bottle of spirits, which we will be seeing again in Stockholm & drink to get over the price of beer out there.

There was one last Special Raffle prize, low & behold if Mouldy Dick’s ticket wasn’t pulled out, he rushed up with his winning numbers & was presented with the mystery bag containing an old, broken toaster & a toast rack!  The toasting fork had gone astray but I am sure that he will see it at some event in the future!  Mouldy was ecstatic at wining this bag of junk.  Why, you ask?  Well it was because the pessimistic “Bah Humbug” Isle of Wight Hash had promised him that if he actually won a raffle prize they would put him up for their 1,000th!

Sergeant Fartin Martin was still manning the Bar, the number of times Farts wears a uniform he should have reached the rank of Field Marshall by now.  I am sure he thinks he’s Sgt Bilko, though Slaphead has the looks for the part.  Sgt Farts, Dr Stand in Shit (or was it Dr Nookie?) Nurse Fireball & the others who had been doing a grand job in running the operating theatre/Bar were stood down, there were times when it looked like triage room in there. 

Another session for me to take the helm, to hold the fort for the long shift in to the early morning, how we suffer for our art?  By now the multi-coloured toy cat had seemed to have been promoted to our temporary Hash Mascot in the Bar.  The Booze must have been working on me, as I parted with the registration fee for the Quorn weekend, paying cash to Too Tuf there & then, without even finding out where the venue will be!

In the Bar I got to hear from Jumper about her training in becoming an Air traffic controller, I haven’t thought about something twice since I found out that Junior used to fit ABS Brakes, Seatbelts & Airbags in Vauxhall motors!  I almost thought I had sobered up for that moment, Nah!  Back to the Booze.

Thunderthighs appeared at the bar a bit squiffy again, she asked me for a red wine.  Having dutifully poured one for her, I handed it to her & she took it, she stared at it & then handed it back saying that she didn’t want, she wanted water instead!  The Red wine was now on its last knockings, & this was the Box that Urine had been good enough to offer up earlier to keep things rolling along.

Mimi asked for two reds one for her & the other for Oink!, I gave her the wine from behind the box & she didn’t seem too impressed, she said I would have to do better than that.  She didn’t seem to believe that it hadn’t been touched by human lips or more importantly those of any Hasher, I bet she’s consumed & drunk out of far worse!

Finally the Bar was empty, just me & the Toy Cat.  Time to mop the floor & clear up a bit, the only lost property in there was Twonk’s bum-bag with all of his “life” in it by the looks of things.  Just as I had finished

mopping the bar area, there was a knock at the double door & a pair of plastic tits were thrust in to the window, was Jordon at our event?  I beckoned them to come around to the back of the bar, to avoid anyone walking on the wet floor.  No one came, as they must have thought that I was shooing them away & had shut the Bar, which was lucky as I was dog tired & as it was heading toward 04:00Hrs, I needed to crash. 

For P-Rick it was a case of cutting his loses without another drink, he had to crash up where the dance floor was as he couldn’t get back in to his lodge, he didn’t want the responsibility of looking after a key, just like the rest of his Lodge didn’t want the responsibility of looking after him!  His absence explains why it was a lot quieter in Lodge Four!

Back at Lodge 5 & in the semi-lit living room there was a pale, ghostly figure sprawled out on the sofa, it was this spectre there to make me correct my way?  Hardly, as it was Junior in the darkness.  He woke up mumbling incoherently that he couldn’t get in to the room, I did understand the bit about him having a stiff neck from crashing on the small sofa, this did translate.  I did think that I should have left him so in the morning he would walk around with a lopsided head but I couldn’t be that cruel.

In the morning a few of us wandered out on to the balcony to look at the weather prospects for the day it looked like a bloody New Covent Garden market stall as there were around twenty or so oranges out there, still it could have been worse as it could have been Olymprick’s infamous “Thaine’s Chilli Pies”, just like the one that blocked the gutter in my accommodation in Stirling for the Edinburgh TNT 1,000th! 

Time to return all of Twonk’s worldly possessions, well the entire contents of his bum-bag.  After breakfast (Another Full English, please note Mouldy Dick!) we had Urine showing a slide show on his Lap Top of all of the shots he had taken the night before.  Ah, so that’s what we were up too!

No one had seen Adonis this morning, Jumper seemed concerned that he wasn’t up for Breakfast. TC & I were roped in to find him, TC phoned him but he wasn’t answering his mobile.  A search party was organised to find him in his Lodge but he wasn’t found, it appeared he had gone AWOL & left really early in the morning!

Psycho was in a quandary about where she had hidden the key deposit money, last time I saw her with it was when she was collecting it & she was hiding it in her Bra!  After half an hour of looking, not in her Bra, she found where she had stashed the cash cache.  We will have to get her a space hopper like the one that gooey & Crackerjack were playing around with, she could take her frustrations out by bouncing on the green one with the crazy eyes, the one which is aptly called Psycho!

After a bit of Musical cars, to allow those who wanted to leave early & get to their own Hash’s Sunday Trail, we had the Sunday Morning recovery run.  This was exactly what it was advertised as, it does what it says on the label!  A forty minute Trail set by Paxo for a Run which ended up more of a brisk walk, it wasn’t very scenic as it started through the industrial estate but what Hasher could focus through their misty little eyes any further than 50 feet anyway?

 It was just enough to get the blood/alcohol* circulating again, even more so in the bracing wind (*delete depending on what time you stopped drinking).  The Trail took us up through the bad-lands around the main high street!  I told of the guy who was gunned down by someone with an AK47 at the end of last year around

these parts, as I said it can get lively.  Surprisingly to date, 5 men have been arrested but none have been charged for the murder, surely with Robocop on the case it shouldn’t be long before it’s solved?

There weren’t too many CHKs to bamboozle the Pack as they ambled around, no need to tax what was left of the old grey matter & Paxo didn’t let us down.  The Dust led off of the main Drag to run along Blindman’s lane, which was ironic as the Pack was almost in a state of the Blind(drunk) leading the Blind(drunk).  The Trail simply came in straight down Windmill lane to the venue again.

The final Circle was held on the leeward side of the Building for shelter, once Paxo was awarded his hit for setting the Trail, Twonk took my place as the stool pigeon for most of the Down-Downs, firstly he was up for lost property, which was the Viking helmet minus one horn & it was questioned as to whether he would get his deposit back?  Some of the Down-Down was spilt down the pelts & it was questioned as to whether he would get his deposit back?

More Lost property with Living bra getting her jeans back from Newcastle, no one claimed the girlie teddy bear wash-bag, so I was left with this hanging from my arm as I continued with the circle.  Some cheeky wee Weegie claimed that it suited me, Bitchy! 

The toiletry bag was to come in handy when Wimpy was berating Splash’s comments in the circle on the lettuce in bread as Vegan food, I ran across the circle waving the toiletry bag at him & shouted out “Handbags!  Handbags!” he took his Down-Down that Splash awarded him from out of the triangular, plastic sandwich box.

Twonk then got the Horn, the one off of his helmet, you perverts!  It was returned & he drank his next hit out of it.  As for the Trail, Angel was called out for running around & then wondering why her ankles were warm, when she changed she found her knee supports were around the bottom of her legs!  Perhaps she spent too much time in Essex on the 1,000th Trail?  Bouncer, you’ll have to get Angel a pair White Stilettos for Christmas!

The whole of the Herts Committee were out for a well deserved drink after the effort that was put in.  The final Hit was the Herts Hashit, this was awarded to Little Hole for being billeted in the same room as his Mum & Dad, but more so as he managed to fall out of his Bunk!

After the final Circle there were Packed lunches for those who had remained, then it was time to vacate the Hostel.  Quite a few, mostly with Scot’s accents, headed for the nearest Pubs with the Herts Hardcore.  A few of us had to sort out the fact we were three keys missing, a list of those who were the usual Suspects was drawn up, Thunderthighs was the top of her Lodge & sure enough she later on we found out that she had indeed gone off with a key!  Who were the other two?

 In the Red Cow, Twonk was still decked out in all of his finery of that dead animal coat, he was telling of the state of shock he was in as his proposal to an un-named Harriette was actually taken up at this do, the first time that it’s ever happened he moaned!   I reckon she must be a real Country Lass with a love of Fox Hunting & Hare Coursing, she may even own a Mink Farm, to fall for someone in that coat!

As one who’s always on the ball, not!  Hyena was pretty quick at spotting the Isle of Wight top I was wearing, he wanted to know were I got it from as he has a penchant for green tops.  He didn’t look hard enough as he failed to see that it had P-Rick embroidered on it, what a Prick!  I had left the Hostel moaning about the lost property I had to take home but as the weather had turned even colder, I later found it a blessing as I ended up wearing it all to keep warm, even Twonk’s Red Grand Bru Top!

The road-kill coat was a bit too much for a little girl who was frightened by it, Twonk tried to re-assure her that it was harmless & started up a conversation in his own inimitable style with her mum & grandmother.  The conversation went on long after Mumbles & Wimpy had gone back to get the car, it looked as if Twonk’s lift had gone.  Cup Cake wanted to take the coat of many murdered mammals back & Twonk was now left standing in the middle of the bar, only adorned with his tartan boxers & his trainers.

Now Twonk tried to phone Wimpy, needless to say he couldn’t get his phone going.  His battery was flat & his sim-card was tried in another phone but there was no success until I tried it in mine.   Just as I got through to Mumbles, Wimpy appeared in the pub to take the under-dressed spectre of Twonky home!

The Hert’s Hardcore moved on back to the Hertford Headquarters of the Old Cross Tavern to carry on patting ourselves on the back for the weekend, the coat of Vermin went too, a couple & their friend sat beside our table in the bar.  They told us they were only going to have one beer but they remained for three more as they laughed so much at our stories from the weekend!

Thanks for the J.Peg of the Brass rubbing that had been signed by a lot of Hashers with too much time for their idle thumbs! 

Again Many Thanks from the Committee & Herts Hash to the YHA staff, the Potton Brewery & all those who helped out & all of you Hashers for attending.  I leave you with one last thing, apparently Ram Bam missed her flight home as well!  So we now know in no uncertain terms that she is indeed a natural Blonde.