Run No. 1307               25th October 2009

Venue:                          Fish & Eels :-(

Beer:                             White Shield & the dregs of what was Bateman’s XXXB :-(

Location:                      Dogs’ Wee Dobbs Weir

Hares:                           Basher & Fergus “Fergus” Mc Fergus

Runners:                       12

Virgins:                          0

Visitors:                        Essex

Newies:                         0                                 

Hounds:                        1

Après Hashers:           0

Total:                            25?

Membership:               Couldn’t wait to leave the Pub!


The Pack gathered at the Fish & Eels, some had parked over the road in the public car park opposite, Sparky was one & he had been to the aid of a young lad out fishing, he had managed to get his line tangled up in an overhead branch.  The line was untangled & so Sparky had done his good deed for the day.

It took a while for most to get to the venue, even though the Hash had an extra hour in bed with the clocks going back an hour to GMT. Herts looked as if they were going to be a bit low on numbers, a few weren’t going to turn out as Wacko & Little Hole were married the day before.

Mr. X & My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead were among those who attended the reception, but they still managed to get over to Dog’s Wee Dobb’s Weir, though after the amount of booze consumed they caught the bus over to Hoddesdon to stagger across to the venue, though they only made it halfway as Sperm Whale gave them a lift, which saw the RA unceremoniously chucked in tot eh back of the van!

The Grand Monkey, Windmill, Bus Stop, Mumblehead & Kylie were the other survivors of the Reception  to make it over to Dobbs Weir, there was no way that the Hash were going to see Skip surface that morning.  He must have won the award for the most pissed person at the Wedding, those who had made it to the run all conclude that he must be nursing one mighty hangover?

Eventually the Herts GM of Paxo & Windsock for Essex, introduced the Hash to this joint Run, Essex were on Run No.1303 while Herts had clocked up some 1307 Runs.  A few wondered how Essex had gain so many extra Runs on Herts, as not too long ago there was a greater difference in Run numbers!

Anyhow, wit the honours completed, the Hares were called forward.  Basher stepped in to the Circle & he had just run back from setting the Trail & he could hardly get his words out due to a lack of breath!  Basher struggled through & the Pack were informed about the markings, not that anyone really understood what he was on about.

Between the gasps for air, the Pack heard that it was “Three & On!” which drew a few low tone boos from the crowd, but they did change to cheers when it was mentioned that the other Hare (Fergus ‘Fergus’ Mc Fergus) was at the Beer Stop!

The Trail set of to the narrow humpback bridge over part of the river Lea Navigation, the traffic lights were on Red, which allowed the Hash to get over the bridge where footpath signs pointed both north & south along the waterway.

Mr. X, Windmill & Panda (Yes I can’t believe he was up at the front either!) spotted dust over one of the series of weirs.  Small Prick was on-hand to get a picture of them as they followed Dust over toward an access road & then had to run back when it was discovered to be a CHK Back 5!  Windmill asked what this meant & Mr. X explained that they had to go back 5 blobs of Flour to find the Trail going off from there!

The rest of the Pack were on their way over the other weir & were heading down the towpath running along by Dobbs Weir Lock (No.6) on the river Lea Navigation.  As the Hash moved along, Mumblehead could be heard calling out ‘Meg come here!’ but the more she said it the more the effect wore off & Meg shot off along the rover bank, no doubt encourage by the sight of the Keenies all running down there!

The stony path led up to a wooden bridge over the entrance to a large square cutting in the river bank, on the wooden slats an ‘RG’ was found for a regroup.  The terminology had to be explained to No Eye Deer as Herts use ‘H’ for held CHK, which originated with Mother Hash back in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

The Pack filled the bridge & someone shouted out “Athlete coming through!” inn order to get those on the bridge to part & allow the runner through.  Mr. X looked around to see who this athlete was &who should he see?  No, it was none other than Heap O’ heading toward the Pack he saw first, no way was he the athlete mentioned, Lunch Box found this very amusing.  The Herts RA then saw a guy in proper running gear come through the rows of stationary Hashers!

            Others wondered what the square cutting was for in the river bank, Mr. X said that it was probably for the near by power station where the coal barges could be unloaded.  The Hare now allowed the Keenies to start running once again, further along the side of the Navigation the Trail went, then up ahead the FRBs spotted Fergus by the Feilde Weir Lock (No.5) by where the Stort joins the Lea. 

There was some debate as to which side of the border the hash were, Herts was the answer.  Essex had to put in a comment about the Herts side was all Power stations business parks & the Essex side was all wilderness!  Windmill was more interested in someone emerging from behind the large panelled gates, he was surprised to see the guy push a bag through, then a Bike at the end of he delightfully named Ratty’s lane on the opposite side!

            The Pack couldn’t believe that they had reached the Beer Stop already, but it was appreciated, especially by the likes of Mr. X who had severely aggravated his knee only a couple of days before, as well as those contending with the fatigue of the Wedding Reception.

As the Pack gathered around to enjoy the Ale from the Bottles of London Pride & cans of Ruddles’ County they should have realized that something was up as Windsock was still with them!

No Eye Deer was in a disbelieving mood as she pooh-poohed the Herts GM when he told her about the water buffalo that live down at Rye Meads, which is not a million miles away from where they were.  The RA was told of this, he told No Eye Deer & ARP that there were indeed water buffalo of the Herts & Middlesex Wildlife Trust grazing peacefully over on Rye Meads.

Fergus was eager to make sure everyone was topped up with seconds, or even thirds in the case of the Herts RA!  His original excuse was that he didn’t want to carry all the empties around the rest of the Trail, so Tops volunteered to do this for him until she realised that the bag was leaking & she handed it over to Mr. X!

If the extra Beer wasn’t enough to keep the Pack at he lock for more than 10 minutes, then a round of jelly babies did the trick!  But why would they want to prevent the Hash from getting on with the Trail, it turns out that this rouse was down to the fact that the Hares were setting the Trail almost ‘Live’ but had fallen foul of the logistics of the local paths that were marked on the Ordinance Survey Map!

Fergus tried to persuade the FRBs to go off with My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead further south along the Navigation, Where they could pass below the railway line to see the delights of the massive Sainsbury’s depot & Rye House Dog Track, the Showman’s Caravan site, the sludge tanks of the sewage works & the Go-Karting Circuit where local Herts Lad Lewis Hamilton began to learn his trade!  Almost Dutifully like a faithful hound, My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead trotted off & took most of the Pack with him.

It soon became clear what was happening when Fergus admitted that due to the lack of any reconnoitre, the Hares found them selves stuck & not able take a route out through some private land that would lead back on to the towpath along the Stort from Roydon, so the Pack were going to be running down along side the Lea & then back!

A few more cynical of the Pack looked back to see that neither Fergus, Mr. X nor Tops had followed on behind them.  They were soon turning back as they believed that they had been sold a pup of a Falsie, which was pretty much true!  It wasn’t long before the likes of Smartarse, ARP, No Eye Deer, Ain’t Got None & Sloppy Seconds had turned around to come back to the Lock!

There was a CHK found on the opposite side of the Lock, just around the bend where the path comes around behind the Lock keeper’s cottage, this had been marked as a False Trail earlier on, there were plenty of moans from the likes of Badges & Sparky who had already crossed over the Lea once to be caught out.

Having been bitten once you’d have thought that neither would look on the path running along the north bank of the Stort as this was marked as False as well!  Instead the Trail was found on the opposite side & this took to a wide uncapped access road, Fergus now informed those around him that they were heading back, the Hash were now 70% off the way around!

Mr. X said that he thought the Hares would have taken the same route that Paxo had used a few years back when Herts had crossed the border on his Trail?  He told Fergus that if they had continued along the side of the Stort, they could have crossed over at a lock on the river Stort Navigation & then ran out on the Lea Valley cycleway, utilizing that & the Three Forests way to zig-zag back & forth around the multitude of permissive paths down to Glenfaba road, then on between Burles & Hails Farms to run through the Lea Valley Park.

The trouble is that the permissive paths are not marked on the Ordinance Survey Map, & they wouldn’t be on the ones as old as Basher uses!  Fergus sounded a little disappointed to hear that they had missed out on the opportunity to run the Hash ragged around the of paths on the opposite side of the large Glen Faba lake to the left of the Hash.

Basher caught up with Fergus & Mr. X, he had spotted that Smartarse, My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead  a few others had accidently run on the wrong side of the hedgerow, they were on the lake side on one of the permissive paths mentioned earlier.  Basher decoded that he would run up to the gate & place a False Trail down for a laugh.  None of these slightly way-ward FRBs would even consider running back to the CHK!

Of course the FRBs found Bashers exploits highly amusing as they crossed the wooden walk boards, passing through the Falsie as they did so!  Who could blame them?  The Trail now came out by a bit of an open green with an apple tree laden down with fruit, this led to a few going over to try some of the apples, T-B-T was almost immediately accused of ‘Scrumping’ as he approached the tree!

Kylie, on the other can resist a bit of free food & came charging in throwing some wind-falls up in a feeble attempt to dislodge the one still on the branches, as this failed he grabbed a branch & shock it vigorously so the apples fell down upon him & those around him!  Isaac Newton would be spinning in his grave, we won’t even go near Einstein!

The Pack al made their way over a scrubby bit of land, Spark asked the Herts RA why he was not on the path the others were on, as that was where the dust was?  The Herts RA pointed out that Hashers were all over the shop by now & the end was almost insight!

The Pack followed the path back toward the side of the river Lea Navigation, emerging through a hedge the path came out on to a small green space & from there it was ‘On Inn’  to the Pub with some 15 minutes to spare before opening time!

Windsock must have done a Superman & changed in a phone booth in double quick time, for he was first at the Pub’s closed door.  Perhaps if he knew what lay on the other side he would not have been so eager to get to the Ale?  There was now a long line of Hashers waiting to get in, all of them were behind the Sock but he was well & truly beaten by two four year old girls!

The thirsty ones of the Pack, this should really read ‘Greedy ones’ as they had just been to a drink stop & hardly put much effort in to after that, would find the service in the Fish & Eels of a pretty low standard!

The manager open the doors & let the flood of Hashers in with the words “It must be Christmas?” as he thought of his tills!  At the Bar things soon became apparent that two of the Bar Staff didn’t want to be working there, let alone serving the Hash!

Mr. X was second in the queue behind Windsock & any Barman worth his weight in gold would have noted the order in which to serve the customers, but this guy ignore Mr. X & went to serve Essex hashers up the other end.  The Herts RA was then ignored by the other Barman, but this did have a silver lining as the Batemans XXXB he was waiting to be served looked a bit on the cloudy side!

Having been served with a pint of White Shield, Mr. X was glad he didn’t have the XXXB after he heard what a commotion the likes of Windsock, Smartarse & co had when they went to change their rancid pints.  Considering that they have a leaflet out promoting a ‘Beer Festival’ they are running at the Fish & Eels it seems all a bit sad.

“If they’re paid for, we don’t change them!” said the Barsteward, so Smartarse said “It looks off, it’s as rancid as vinegar, you can serve that!” to which he received a “We always serve Ale like that!”  So, how come this Pub is allowed to display a Cask Marque sign outside?

When challenged to try & drink some of the offending Ale, the Barsteward declared that he doesn’t drink Ale, he eventually changed the rotten Ales for White Shields but by then the damage had been done & all of the Pack were happy to leave after the Down-Downs

The Herts Grand Monkey was found to be missing for awhile, as were ARP & No Eye Deer, perhaps they had gone to see the water buffalo?  Eventually they turned up & the Circle could commence.

The Hares were rewarded for the Trail, or even half a Trail?  Mr. X commented on the fact the Fergus has just passed the 1000 Essex Trails the week before you’d have thought that he’d have the hang of it by now?

Among the other Down-Downs were Heap O’ for being called an ‘Athlete coming through’ when clearly there is no chance of that!  Badges was out for some misdemeanour which was forgotten long after his protestations of “What have I done now?”

Small Prick stumbled upon his words as he confused My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead & Spermwhale, after he received his Down-Down from Mr. X, Spermwhale (The balder & fatter of the two) received his Hit, Mr. X added that Spermwhale does have a Herts Hair cut!  Which tied in nicely with T-B-T being awarded his Down-Down for having some long hippy hair around the back of his head!

The Essex Sludge was called out by Mr. X for wearing a Green bay Peckers American Football top, this hit was originally going to go to his dad but he was driving to Wembley to watch some more NFL, luckily they have a lot of time outs so Sludge can use the facilities.

The both Hashes didn’t hang around much after the circle was stood down!  You can see why the locals over in near by Hoddesdon call it Dog’s Wee, though something that rhymes with hit comes to mind.