Run No. 1314              13th December 2009

Venue:                         The Millstream

Beer:                            McMullens Cask, Country & AK

Location:                     Hertford

Hares:                          Paxo

Runners:                      26

Virgins:                         0

Visitors:                        0

Newies:                         0                                 

Hounds:                        0

Après Hashers:           4

Total:                            30

Membership:               Jingle Bells or Bah Humbugs!


The start point of the Trail was a little confusing, most had gathered around in the car park for Hertford North, TC, Junior, 1-2-1, My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead & Mr. X were all waiting outside of the Millstream. Mumblehead & Kylie had arrived & pulled in to a space beside the Pub, then Slug, 3D & 2-1-2 Maureen wandered along to the Millstream just as the Hare came around to the lead them all to the car park.

In the car park the Pack were warmed up with Sherry & mince pies, unusually the Sherry wasn’t a bad one, or so it seemed.  The Hashit had finally returned, as ARP wore the filthy item, which was last seen when it was awarded back at the Mersea Island weekend at the beginning of September!

The Grand Monkey soon took centre stage & called the circle, having welcomed the pack to the Christmas run, he explained what the Hash could expect of this day’s Trail, not too much apparently.

The Hare went on to inform the Hash that it was a short Trail, as he had been committed to non-Hash activities the night before, there were no complaints about that but it was going to be one of those days.  Some sticklers for tradition (tradition) decided that the GM had failed in his obligation to toast the Hash in a manner befitting the Christmas Run!

After a toast with the Sherry, the Pack were ushered up toward Port Vale, along the way the Hash looked out over the adjacent green fields to see that there was plenty of water in one corner, a sign of the amount of rain that has fallen of late, but there was no chance of any precipitation this day as if was fairly fresh & bright.

The FRBs were soon away off to the south when they reached the junction with Port Vale, the Hare was obviously suffering from his overnight non-Hash stuff as he began top chalk Pub & an arrow on the pavement, which was a little premature & in totally the wrong direction!  He would not be the only one to suffer later from burning the candle at both ends!

The Trail ran along Molewood road, passing the rows of terraced houses, some with window boxes containing pansies, we’ll have less of that kind of talk thank you!  The Trail led down to the dead end of the public road & Dust could be clearly seen leading up the steep flight of steps up Molewood Hill to Horn Close.  The FRBs like Windmill, 2-1-2, My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead were soon up to the top of the steps where they discovered that this route was a stopped by a Bar CHK!

The RA had had his suspicions that the Trail could be heading off down the Private road below & now he wished he had acted on his earlier hunches.  The climb up the steps in the steep hillside would be better than any working out with a thigh master, not that many got to find out, ARP & No Eye Dear were among those who were just about to tackle the ascent to the summit but were stopped by the FRBs turning back, they expressed their disappointment by claiming that they were looking forward to tackling it!

On the way back to Moleswood road Junior, Pepé le Pew & Mr. X discussed local Pubs & one Welwyn Garden Pub was mentioned & Pepé le Pew told of how he used to work the door there!  No Eye Deer caught the end of this conversation just as it had turned to prevent drug users from snorting up in your Pub toilets, she didn’t believe it when she was told that using WD40 on the porcelain is one trick of the trade!  She wondered how Mr. X knew all about this?

The Pack followed the Dust down the uncapped lane through the bottom of Little Mole wood, close to the side of the river Beane, Hyena was questioned about the water company pump house near the end of the lane, where a CHK was found on the start of the spur road of Woodville place, it couldn’t have been one of his companies’ ones otherwise he would have parked up for a couple of hours to read the paper!

T-B-T asked the RA why his UK Nash Hash 2009 Promotional T-shirt was so filthy, the RA explained that this was due to the fact that he went on the Aberdeen ‘Shiggy Run’ & he was picked on by lots of big bullies.  No Eye Deer just wondered if Mr. X was cold in just a T-shirt?  Obviously not!

As Mr. X climbed up the footpath through the end of Little Mole wood, he still had doubts that the Trail would head up toward Bengeo so soon, but as 1-2-1 had chosen to look on the easier lower route.  Dust was found up the steep incline, the RA & Junior led the way & the whole of the Pack followed on, including 1-2-1 who had returned from looking out toward the Stevenage road!

The look on 1-2-1’s face, not to mention most of the Hash as the route up the hill ended with a T at the very top!  So a single file trot back down to the level was needed to find that the Trail was indeed out on a footpath to the side of North Road to Stevenage, it was pointed out to the RA that Sis was the one to find the Trail from here as she picked it up on the footpath a short way along the main road.

Now the Hash were heading along High Molewood lane, of course the Trail would have to rise up eventually, so the Trail followed the footpath up along the edge of Great Mole wood, this would lead on to an alleyway, which passed through to Cowper Crescent.  Strangely with all of these Mole Woods about, not a single mole was seen on the Trail.

The Keenies were now getting separated from the rest of the Pack, as they rapidly dealt with the CHK there & they followed the Dust along the Avenue to the south.  The Hash had now turned toward eastward as the Trail ran down the drive.  Another turn & now the Hash headed south, it was halfway along the suburban Duncombe road that the FRBs of TC, 1-2-1, Windmill, T-B-T & Junior stopped, they began to loiter around the junction with Westfield road, this led a few to think that they had found another Bar CHK up ahead but the Hare, who had caught up with them assured them that it was a Held CHK!

The doubters soon found out that the Hare was telling the truth, the Pack regrouped.  Bus Stop & T-B-T were with the FRBs waiting for Mark E Mark, Lobby Lobster, 2-1-2 Maureen, Mumblehead, 3D & Slug to catch up.  It was now time for a photo shoot, including Slug wearing his bright green slug hat & 3D in her Reindeer antlers, Junior had already been & got his picture taken, Kylie managed to nip in & get one taken himself, all while TC faffed about as the batteries on his camera faded.

The Pack waited patiently, the Hare didn’t mind as they were not far from home & the Keenies would be back in a matter of minutes!  There were a few funny moments when passing traffic almost had to negotiate avoiding Mr. Clark as he stood in the middle of the road while trying to ready himself to take the group photo. 

The RA commented that it reminded him of watch the previous nights episode of Dad’s Army, where Mr. Blewitt was trying to take of picture of the GM, sorry, Corporal Jones with an old fashion plate camera.  Mr. Blewitt tells Jones that he has to keep his arm still for 6 seconds for the exposure of a Lord Kitchener like shot for a recruitment poster, of course Cpl Jones can’t do this, nor can Mr Blewitt but as he says “I am not the one having my picture taken.

Suddenly something was wrong, the sun was behind the Pack & TC had them all move to the other side of the street, then the batteries died & had to be changed, after which the batteries were changed, the deed was done.

The Pack moved on & at last it was down hill on the way back to Port Vale, the Hare stood by a footpath to make sure the Pack took the correct convoluted route back in around Farquhar Street down Byde street  & around Balfour Street, some how Mumblehead & Kylie missed this & came in from the opposite direction!

The Pack made their way in to the Pub to change, well most of them as a few disappeared, notably the Joint Master & the Beer Master with Mumblehead & Lobby Lobster.  This would lead to a delay in getting the Down-Downs dispatched before dinner!

Ketch Up & Princess arrived, apparently 1-2-1 tried his best to cajole Ketch Up into doing the Trail but he had no joy, Ketch Up must enjoy his bed more than Hyena does?  Alison & Roger the Cabin boy were next to turn up without running the Trail.

Those who were using the gents to get changed, in to their best Black Tie gear were soon struggling for breath as Junior locked himself in to the cubicle & rapidly began to stink the place out!  No wonder he ran around the Trail at the front.  There were a few little black dresses on show, Ewok in particular was proud of her plum coloured dress that she picked up for £1!

Skip, Psycho & Party Animal arrived, their excuse for not running the Trail was that Skip was under the weather, boy did he sound rough when he arrived.  Some thought that he sounded sexy with a husky voice, but he’s no Tommy Vance!

Being ill didn’t stop Skip form getting the weekly subs in quickly, this was helpful for getting the Down-Downs but the Beer master was still absent!  By the time Kylie returned places were being taken in the dining area.

The RA started off the proceedings by going through a review of the year, where Herts have attended the following Hash events since last year;  The Yorkshire AGPU; The firs of three Friday the 13th Trails, this one being down in Winchester; Bar & Pants up in New Lanark Scotland; A F.U.K. Full Moon weekend in Benidorm; EuroHash in Antalya Turkey; Guernsey Harriette’s 1500th out in the channels Islands, this bit led to some laughing when Paxo put his hand up when the RA asked if a Guernsey Girl had slept with any of the Herts Hasher!  Friends of the Mole’s 1,000th was the next away weekend to be visited by members of Herts Hash; Isca’s XI was followed by the Full Moon Nash Hash on the Isle of Wight; Danish Nash Hash in Cambridge was next, UK Nah Hash in Peth, Scotland, saw Herts take their turn running the Bar on the midnight to 01:00hrs shift; A Cross Channel Hash to Oostende followed; & the weekend on Mersea Island, the RA finished with the joint runs with Essex, H5 & London H3

The Down-Downs saw the RA thanking the Hare for his effort, which was just long enough for the day’s proceedings.  Hyena was called out for being the Hatfield ‘Slimmer of the Year’ at Fat-fighters  Kylie was out for being late on Duty in getting the Down-Downs in, but mainly for the car key incident on the Hash from Mumblehead’s!   Flip Top & Sis were awarded their Down-Downs for having their hounds mentioned on Radio 2, not soon to be retiring Terry Wogan’s show as the RA thought, but the Johnny Walker show!

The RA then said that he was only going to hand out one pint as a Down-Down & that was because that’s how much a 100 Run Tankard holds, Ketch Up was put for not running the Trail when his Hash Dad (T-B-T) did!  Junior was awarded his Down-Down for living up to the ‘Junior, I’ll try & make to the next Herts Run!’ award, Junior was spoilt with his Hit as the RA inadvertently gave him a cider instead of his usual ‘Skippy piss’!  TC was out for the Jack Duckworth award for his cleaning of the Bar at the Herts shift at UK Nash Hash!

The rest of the Down-Downs would have to take place during the courses of the meal (a mistake if ever there was one).  After the first course, the RA handed out a couple more half Down-Downs before the main meal.  Skip was called out by the RA & he was given a shot of medicinal Rum, for his feeling poorly, Skip seemed to enjoy taking his medicine!  Pepé le Pew was out for his stirling work with the Haberdashery, & the enthusiasm he has shown since taking on the post.  Roger the Cabin Boy & Alison were out for failing to make the Trail.

There would be more delays as not everyone would get their main course at the same time, so the next set of Hits would be after the last course.  Those who were waiting to eat may have been put off of their meals as the RA sat with his legs apart, not a good idea while wearing a kilt so Lobby Lobster went across the room & pushed his knees together so the 'crown jewels were no longer on display!

The Curate stepped up to hand out a few more Hits before the main course, Flip Top awarded Mr. X a Down-Down for his work on the website & the Trash; Windmill was awarded his Hit for his work on the Hash statistics, then Ketch Up & Princes were out for finally announcing their Wedding plans (after all of these years!)  ARP was called out, for hiding the Hashit & as the RA explained the reasons behind the Hit, one of the waitresses sneaked up beside him with a cup of coffee in her hand, Mr. X’s gesticulations soon had this cup flying off of the saucer, it crashed on to the table & the floor, covering many things in black coffee, including the RA’s Kilt! 

With the said Hashit being back in the presence of the Pack the Pack bayed fort he RA’s blood as Skip over-enthusiastically grabbed the said shitty garment, the RA removed his shirt as chants of “Skin!” echoed around the conservatory.

Having donned the wet Hashit, as it had been used to mop up any spillage from the previous hits, the crucifixion of the RA would soon be completed with all of this over enthusiasm, he was handed a Pint to Down, which he did, but it didn’t sit easy on top of his previous Down-Down & the three courses it wasn’t going to stay there. 

Having done a ‘Junior’s big white telephone’ a combination of effects led to the RA collapsed in a heap outside & had to be taken home by Peddledash (It’s normally her job to vomit at a Hash Christmas Party) & Paxo.

The Curate played the part of Secret Satan Santa, though Sis took her time when it came around to her turn to pick a pressie, if Sludge knew what she was going to get up to with Santa he would have turned up to play his usual role!  After his performance as Santa, the Curate saw to handing out the last of the Down-Downs, which included the Chefs & the waiting staff.

            Happily a great day was had by all, & many thanks to the staff of the Millstream who put up with us singing & generally making a racket!

At least the RA was not alone at getting in a state, as Junior made it home only to discover that he had TC bag, strangely enough TC had Junior’s Bag, while T-B-T looked after the RA’s jacket!