Date = 16th November 2014
Run Number = 1587
Venue = Chez Kylie
Beer = Malt Shovel & Golden, Thatcher’s Cider & Old Rosie
Hares = My Lil’
Runners = 22
Virgins = 0
Visitors = 0
Après Hashers = 2
Newies = 0
Hounds = 0
Total = 24
Membership = Reeking of Rum!
It has been a while since we were last at Kylie's pad, those who have been Hashing with H4 long enough were eager to see the improvements since Milf no Cookies has been on the scene. Well, most were shocked to find that there was floor space & even some carpet in the living room, these days there is rather impressive wood-burning fire in the living room. The 1982 ornithological calendar has now gone, but the walls remain a little bare, just a reddish-brown hew of plaster.
Anyhow, the Pack gathered & those who were at the East Herts Miniature Railway the night before, for Kylie's Birthday party, got a little carried away with how good the evening was that the time slipped by 11:00 un-noticed!
Sis was outside putting on her newly repaired wellies, then she noticed that Fliptop had put the patch on the wrong boot. His claims of there being a split in both boots didn't hold water, much like the left boot that still had a hole in it!
Tent Packer called the circle to order, while Skip went around pouring out Little Hole’s God-father’s Fijian Rum for those unsuspecting & the daft alike. As the Hare was introduced, his words on what to expect out on the Hash were suddenly drowned out by 2-1-2 Maureen's coughing & spluttering fits, after she tried the 'over-proofed' rum, it comes in at 58%! [The average scotch is 40%! -Ed] it was some time before 2-1-2 Maureen recovered.
The reason for the Fijian rum was rearing its ugly head again was some 'careless talk' from the night before when Milf said Skip should bring it along for today! At least the Hare had the sense not to consume any before the Trail, & he finished his chalk-talk.
There was a distinct & overpowering aroma of alcohol emanating from the Circle before they set off down Park lane to the southeast, soon the Dust took to an alleyway cutting between the small dead-end backstreets. Sloppy Seconds suddenly became very vocal & over-excited to run around like a headless chicken! The RA wondered what the fuss was about, Ewok told him the Sloppy Seconds was getting a ‘Hard-on’ at the site of another Mazda MX5!
Back to the real world & the Trail progressed by an old village pump on one section of the cut-through alleyways, before the Dust finally cut through to Bachelors & then to emerge on the edge of South road. On the way the RA stopped to belch, this prompted an older chap to say “Carry on, you can do it!” Mr X then explained that he was being hampered at that moment by Fijian Rum! The local looked on in puzzlement!
The Hare appeared from the short cut, just as the Keenies ran on this & followed the Trail southward.
As the Trail ran on by the east edge of the local playing fields, Sparky suddenly stopped as he appeared to have lost the Trail, Sludge said "He's probably standing right on the Trail?" As these words were spoken, Sparky looked down at his feet to see Dust, 'On!' was called again.
The Trail would now lead all the way to the end of South road, where it joins the A120. Getting over this busy road on Standon Hill took a little while, Sparky was first over the main road & off straight down Barwick lane. On his way down the narrow rustic lane, Sparky soon drew the attention of a couple of Dachshunds out for their constitutional. They were heard yapping at Sparky, no doubt thinking that the Christmas bones had arrived early! [No Pebbledash, not that type of bone! - Ed].
Everyone else passed by the racing-snakes without any problems!! A CHK was found around halfway down the hillside, where a footpath from Papermill lane cuts off one corner of a crop field to the east & where it continues up Stansted hill to the west.
Sludge, Sparky, Sloppy Seconds & Mr X all chose the option down over the corner of the field to come out on to Papermill lane. Howard, Kylie's Neighbour, said that they don't even take Landrovers through the ford in Papermill lane, after the RA had mentioned this Hare's fondness for river crossings.
Down on the uncapped track & the Dust headed toward the ford in the river Rib but before reaching the water's edge an arrow pointed the way through a gate to the meadow to the south. The Keenies hung about as they debated whether to take this route, as last time it was a long falsie.
Sludge, Sloppy, Tent Packer began to edge toward the river Rib, but the RA glanced back to see the Hare was on his way down over the corner of the crop field. Mr X then said "He'll be calling out 'Follow the Trail!' in a minute!" & soon a change of tact was employed to head out over the meadow to the west of the Rib.
There was still some hesitancy as the Keenies ventured away to the south, especially having been caught out before, even with the Hare following on behind them left the FRBs still hand doubts!
Mr X wasn't the only one to keep glancing over the serpentine like river Rib as it snakes its way to the Standon Lordship. Some of the Keenies were convinced that the Hare was going to use the cattle crossings from the west meadow to that on the east of the Rib, however they were safe from wet feet for now as this would not happen.
Milf finally caught up with the FRBS & led the climb up out of the green meadow & back upward toward the Barwick road, the footpath didn't go that far as it intercepts the drive way to the Lordship. Tent Packer said that he would like to own a place like this Tudor building, built between1540-46, then had other thoughts about the heating costs when Mr X pointed out the numerous brick chimneys it has!
The Trail crossed the drive & a few feet further to the south the FRBs were confronted with the sight of a herd of cattle. The RA called for Hash Hush, Sparky in particular was warned not to blow his horn & he did refrain from such, but as the rest prepared to join Milf in going through the side gate to the steel five bar one, Sparky approached the herd with arms out stretched while making loud "Aaargh! Aaargh!" Noises. The cows, with their claves, bellowed back their disapproval as the clown Sparky was told off by all the other Hashers present!
The FRBs walked by the cattle, then Sludge suddenly stopped when he found not one, but two Bar CHKs. So, & orderly walk back by the cattle & through to the drive to find the way was marked away to the west, out of the drive & back on to the Barwick road.
The Trail was spotted directly across from the entrance to the drive, ahead lay a long footpath heading westward up the steep hill covered in small green shoots. On the way up, Mr X pointed out the bench at the crest of the ridge & he suggested that Sludge could use this when they reached it.
Mr X, Skip & Sludge now also began to doubt that the Trail would go this way, as it would be a long way back around to Puckeridge. Almost to the top & then they soon spotted that Milf had stopped & turned around indicating it was a Bar CHK!
So, a long trot down to the lane where Psycho, Fliptop, Paxo & 2-1-2 Maureen were coming out of the driveway. The expected sarcastic comments was delivered by Paxo & Fliptop about the Keenies going astray on a Falsie that was long enough to have pleased Goose!
The Trail followed the lane as it dropped down to the southern end of the valley, ahead of the Keenies were the Hare, with ARP & Kerry. Meanwhile Sloppy Seconds was looking back to the hill where the GM was spotted still up there & he was now stationary.
Sloppy Seconds made sure the RA was aware what the GM was up to, with a "What's he doing up there?" The RA looked back & said "By the looks of things it look like he's pointing the way, to Littlehampton!"
The next CHK by the next path up through the crop fields was ignored & everyone came down to the floor of the valley, where a footpath off to the southeast was spotted through a crop of brassicas.
Kerry was not sure about the right to go through the crop, Mr X pointed out the footpath signs & markers. He add that the farmers have a duty to maintain footpath & keep them clear, but the yellow line of sprayed crop would have to do. [Goose would have vented his spleen over this! – Ed]
Mr X then had to get Sparky to get off the tractor tracks off through the green crop & back on to the correct route. Hash feet would now get soaked as the brassicas were very damp, the moisture would permeate the best of Hash Shoes on the long trot south-eastward over to Latchford.
Pebbledash was introduced to Kerry, with a brief talk about her love of innuendoes & especially how she is mentioned in the Hash Trash, even when she isn’t there!
Mr X wanted to make up the ground on Milf & Sparky up ahead, & this he did after leaving the others walking in the between the brassicas, as he knew that there was a potential water crossing through the ford & he didn't want to miss anyone not going through.
At the other end of the field, the Keenies stopped for an impromptu Regroup before going around the track to the ford. Once the SCBs were coming in to sight, then the main group of FRBs were ready to move on with the RA leading the way around & then in through the river Rib. There was no way that this Hare would miss out on a river crossing!
While it wasn't as cold as expected, the water caused a few problems for some. Milf was concerned about getting her skirt wet, while TBT OBE was making chimpanzee like noises upon entering the three foot deep river! The Keenies looked at the climb up the steep slope of the east side of the valley.
Pebbledash & Kerry took the bridge, which had a T upon it, to avoid the wading through the ford. Skip was put to shame by his wife, as he opted for the dry bridge & Psycho waded through the Rib with her stature it would have been a lot higher than for most!
A few stopped with the RA to look back down to see which SCBs would be brave enough to tackle the water. Pebbledash, ARP & Kerry all continued on with the climb up to the summit of the hillside, this side was some 30 yards shorter than the height on the opposite side the Pack had climbed up.
Once over the summit, in the distance the spire of the Saxon Church of St Mary's at Standon could be seen. The Trail came back to Papermill lane, where only Sparky chose to look to the west where he discovered a T to prevent the Pack from crossing on the Out Trail!
There was a steady downhill trot on a path that had plenty of Shiggy along its length to the point it crosses the footpath from the Lordship just down to the west & away to the east. The CHK here didn’t hold any of the FRBs up as they went through the tree-line & out on to the meadows on the east of the Rib.
The long trot away from the Lordship would head back to Papermill lane, along the way the RA asked the Hare if the Pack would pass the ‘Pubbing Stone’ in Standon, but he Hare was tight lipped as Mr X went on to explain to Milf about the rarity of Pudding Stones & them being unique to Hertfordshire due to their creating during the ice age.
Other's decided to head eastward toward St Mary's Church at the end of Standon as it would be a far better choice, another CHK was found before getting as far as that.
Both a visit to the Church or the Pudding Stone would not happen as the Trail was found over the narrow footbridge behind the old mill buildings to the fields north of these immaculate grounds in their own little island separated by the mill stream & its patent river of the Rib. Mr X told Tent Packer that Hertfordshire had a history of paper making in the UK, with a Mill in Hertford being England's first place of paper production.
Milf was informed that Standon Lordship is the home of Standon calling, where this year’s Headline Act were none other than Top Rap group Public Enemy [Don't believe the Hype!] on the edge of the village name after the Saxon for Stoney Hill.
The Trail ran along the river side of the meadow bellow New Street farm headed up to the A120 once again
The last leg of the Trail was it across the main drag & then set off up Station road on the opposite side from the Heron, a former Pub that is a Chinese restaurant.
For the Keenies there was a loop over to the east, behind the School grounds running by the small meadow by the Rib, some would go wrong & miss the last Bar CHK on the Trail, Milf & Sloppy were two who came in via Kylie's Back Garden where no Trail existed.
They should have gone back to follow the Trail back out on to Station road, not that there is one at Standon anymore, after the Line affectionately known as the Bunt was shut by the RA's ancestor for passenger traffic in 1964 & finally fright a year later.
The On Inn was found by an entrance to the local School, at the end of Station road it was back down to the Moat. It was quite a log Trail, which Kylie would have been proud to have set & the RA told him so when he returned. The others would be about 10 minutes further behind!
Back at base & Mumblehead was found making two chillies in the Kitchen, with Sis who had short cut back with Kylie. Pebbledash couldn't stay & so got away with dodging the water crossing, nor could ARP stay too long as she was having to pick Porky Pie up from the Airport.
Sparky wanted to water down his Ale, but with no lemonade he made do with one Water from the downstairs loo! Eau de Toilet!
Time to eat & Paxo was requested to do his usual "Women & Children first!" But with no kids present, it was the girls who tucked in first!
After the Pack piled up their plates up, they would soon discover the lack of seating & the 'three second rule' would come in to play!
Sparky perched himself on the edge of the sofa right by where Ewok was sitting, while Sloppy was still questioning how his Hash shoes were tied to his exhaust pipe weeks ago. A Hash inquisition had exonerated Skip for this, instead declaring Lemming as the Guilty Party. Skip's name is no longer associate with the theft misappropriation of Hash items, unlike Digger!
With at least two helpings of chilli, bread, garlic bread, rice & baked spuds, the RA only awarded half's. But the Hare got to try something else, only a little shorter as he was awarded a shot of the Fijian Rum, which was swiftly followed by a half!
Sparky was out for his Halloween attempt to scare the cattle away, seems the story about the Horse & barbed wire incident has never sunk in yet! He was also there for teasing the Dachshunds by thinking their Christmas bones had arrived as his legs passed by!
Sloppy Seconds was out for grassing up the GM, who joined him for his standing halfway up a hill & pointing to Littlehampton. Howard & Philippa, were out for being the regulars, once every year?
Mumblehead was out for the excellent Chillies, with the first one being hotter than its counterpart.
Milf was out for all the work she did getting so much food out of an over the size of a toaster, for Kylie's party, & being the cause of the Fijian rum appearing!
2-1-2 Maureen was called out for her coughing & spluttering after drinking a wee bit of the over-proofed drink. TBT OBE was awarded his for not being able to get his wife home from the crowded car park at van Hages, instead he walked her home before coming back on his bike & he didn't fall off of that this year!
Howard was called out for being the Hashes most regular patron!
The Sweet course came out, where more of the excellent Train Cake that Psycho had baked could be eaten.
Mr X was awarded two, one for having his FUK Full Moon top on back to front & the other for getting something else wrong!
On the way home, Mr X & My Lil' stopped off in the Six Templars (Spoons) where the RA received a call from Paxo, requesting that he sends out an email to those who had been present this day to see where TBT OBE had put Paxo's car keys, TBT OBE being last to change from the JM's jam-jar!
Having emailed & text messaged those concerned, Paxo got back to the RA to explain that Ewok went back to pick up a spare set of keys.
Paxo dropped TBT OBE off at van Hages’ to pick his car up from the night before, except TBT OBE couldn't recall where it was in the packed car park! It is busy as they have a winter ice rink at the garden centre.
Then, news of the recovery of the Keys TBT OBE had mislaid filtered through, & after all of his good work in clearing his name, Skip found them in his Herts Hash bag!