Date =                            14th May 2017

Run Number =             1735-A 

Venue =                         Knockerdown Farm

Location:                      Knockerdown

Beer =                           Derbyshire IPA, Biter, Stout, Porter

Hares =                         Pepé le Pew

Runners =                    13

Virgins =                       9

Visitors =                      0

Newies =                      0

Après =                         0

Hounds =                     0

Total =                           22

Membership =             Celebrating in true Hash Style!


The Pack were split between two venues for this weekend, with Run A being from Knockerdown in the darkest depths of Derbyshire for Max Factor & Alfa Male’s Après Wedding Trail, while the rest of H4 enjoyed a Sunny Day out on Pirton, Herts.

T’up int Derbyshire those lucky enough to attend the ceremony were treated to a weekend that was more like a Hash Weekend at times.  Both Max Factor & Alfa Male are blessed with families who embraced the Hash Spirit & who made this weekend so special. Here a few of the Highlights before the Run Report.

Starting with a Pub Quiz on Friday, there were two options of Ales, this would grow over the weekend to Six choices of Derbyshire's finest Ale.  Some of which had been sampled by My Lil’ & Mr X in Matlock, resulting in Mr X messing up just one question as the MC for the quiz, which wasn't bad!  Aptly the Winning team had the Bride & Groom onboard & they received the Quiz Winners Trophy!  Other runners up won Pizzas, though they were small round sweets that resembled pizzas.

Saturday, Suited & booted the Hash scrubbed up fairly well for the ceremony that ended with the musical duo, ‘The Distractions’, playing 500 Miles by the Proclaimers, of course the Hash had to sing the Chorus back.

The dining couldn't have been better, the Herts (Naughty) table No.9 had little Champagne shaped bubble makers, Kylie soon discovered that his champagne bottle’s bubble wand wasn't faulty as he claimed, for after a bit to tutoring & a change of technique he was soon blowing 8 to 9 bubbles at a time. Of course all of the Herts (Naughty) table No.9 soon had bubbles being blown all over the place in the back of the room.

You couldn't fault the meal, thankfully the waiting staff had a print out of who ordered what, since alcohol addled Hash brains couldn't recall.  While Mr X was constantly reminded to keep his legs together, a good idea you’d think but it wouldn’t have mattered as the tables had those disposable film cameras to record the ‘Happy Occasion’ & it seems that these were placed below his kilt while on the dance floor!  [With only one person wearing a Kilt that day it didn’t take much to work out whose tackle it was under the Royal Stewart! – Ed]

The speeches took place & everyone agreed that the 'Father of the Bride's' was probably the best, for Max Factor’s Dad rose to his feet & then suddenly declared that he had left his speech somewhere else as he dashed from the room.  What happened next soon broke the stunned silence as a brilliant ‘mockumentory’ began to be shown on the screen which had previously been showing a slide show of the happy couple from over the years.

The mini film took in their old university, digs, homes, haunts, & of course a cheeky stop at pub or two on the way around [Well it looked like thirsty work! - Ed]  The best man’s speech would add to Alfa Male's embarrassment, well you have to be honest since he's been shacked up living with Max Factor he has progressed to drinking from Dog Bowls, you should have been one particular Stag Weekend at the Greyhound racing, it was just one of the four!

After the sweet there was time to take for yourself, while the hall was rearranged for the evening’s merriment, this was a window of opportunity for Mr X & a few other to head back to the farm house & set up his BT Sport App in order to watch the European Rugby Cup final.  The WiFi signal was not the best & those entering the room were asked to shut there mobile’s WiFi off, or put on flight mode to stop the signal degrading!

Things weren’t too bad, with just a couple of blips, namely when Clermont Auvergne score a try!  Saracens looked pretty much in control & won, putting the Herts Gang in a good mood! This meant Mr X would return wearing his Fez!

The evening had ‘The Distractions playing, the Hash being the hash would spend a fair amount of time on the dance floor, & not only because the barrels of Ale were on the opposite side of the room from them!  Displays of jiving were there to impress, as the practice seems to have paid off.  Another sing-along to 500 Miles seemed to finish off the night pretty well.  Well, it would have been if the hardcore had gone to bed at a sensible time instead staying up drinking!

In the morning ARP & Pôrgu Pie had packed up & moved on to head off to Venice.  [Birmingham has more canals than Venice & they're a lot nearer & a lot cleaner! - Ed]  Anyhow, another good breakfast was enjoyed, the hosts had thought of everything for the guests, including sachets of sauces, pepper, salt & squares of butter that Paxo had to line up in military order! 

Of course there are those whose life is a little more chaotic & they cannot resist stirring these things up.  Mr X said the best present to get someone with OCD is a picture of the leaning tower of Pisa, then they can spend all day moving back & forth so the tower is straight & then back so the frame is straight!

The Hare arrived back from setting the Trail, which brought a lot of compliments from those who were up until the wee hours (and some more!) at Pepé le Pew’s stamina.  After a quick game of Table-Tennis, it was soon time to move out to the courtyard for the Circle, where the regular incumbents were out-numbered by the Virgins of David, Linda, Les, Stewart, Robert, Danielle, Alexis, Colin & Nicola!

Ewok conducted her GM duties with the usual aplomb in getting the Run Number correct, then after more marital congratulations, it was over to the Hare.  Pepé le Pew stepped forward to give a long winded speech, there was more than enough info for the Newbies, but in order not to lose anyone out on Trail, each CHK had to be held until he arrived to allow things to continue.

A mention of a dead sheep was probably the highlight of the spiel, however later on there would be another animal encounter that was not mentioned by Pepé le Pew, or as he's known to most of the family "Uncle Dicky!"

The Pack finally set off out of the site, arrows pointed the way over the busy T-junction & the Pace was not the greatest as the Trail left the tarmac & headed off through the campsite behind the Pudding Rooms, Tea Rooms, beside Upper Town Farm.

Things quickly ground to a halt at the first CHK by a hedge in footpath, the pack all bunched up before the Trail was picked up in a near due south direction to lead over a series of patchwork like fields.  From a CHK in one of the dry-stone walled fields it was ‘uphill & down dale, well it was mostly uphill to begin with but at least most of the stiles where V-shaped Stone pillars.

As the Trail began to drop down to a horse paddock the Hash were to encounter what the Hare had not prepared any of them for, which was best described as a horse with five legs, well that's what it looked like from a distance, many avoid the direct route across the rampant equine's enclosure.  Thankfully no one had to bend over to tie up any up loose shoelaces, or it could have been a visit to A & E as Milf & Kylie wouldn't have been able, & probably not willing to deal with such an injury?

Would the regular Hashers be singing a song about this later on?  Nah, no one was that ‘mean’ in this Trail!  The unscathed Pack climbed up through another field to another Held CHK, this one being over a conventional stepped style that took some effort after the previous night’s dancing, the CHK sat on a wire fenced-in path.  Holding this CHK the Hash could admire the Forget-me-nots that (our resident botanist) My Lil' pointed out on the verge by the stone wall of The Green Farm.

The Hare allow the Keenies of Mr X & My Lil' to search again, knowing full well that they were near the next CHK, which was a just a few yards around the L-shaped corner where the Path joins Stonepit Lane, after the Trail had passed by a very old petrol pump which Pebbledash took a fancy to the hose!

This was the top end of Hognaston, looking down the hill it could be seen that just a few yards descent of the lane that this vision like a Victorian Chocolate box painting of a village was the Red Lion, its Lion Rampant was less worrying than the horse encountered earlier.

The Hare, who had earlier stayed that "There are no false Trails" rapidly marked a T to prevent anyone from accidently going to the Pub, even though there was a good 20 minutes before opening time.  The Trail resumed by heading up to the west by Upper Farm

My Lil' headed off on a the correct west Bound Track of Stoney Lane before being lured up through a field of long green grass to the north, believing the Trail would turn in a clockwise direction that would prove him wrong & in his decent back through the lush green grass Pepé le Pew called out that "That deserves the Hashit RA!" which referred to the Chelski FC Top that My Lil' was wearing this morning, & you can't blame TBT OBE for that Haberdashery faux-pah.

The RA was on his way back from the non-existent falsie on the upper of the forked track from Stoney Lane.  The Trail now followed the Track as it turned southwestward, this was a fairly long stretch the next CHK on the Trail reached one of the highest points, now you know why it’s called the Peak District!

At the CHK overlooking a splendid vista of Derbyshire, Milf requested a group photo.  Kylie arrived & his attention was soon distracted by a few sections of old rusty rail, Pepé le Pew claimed that Kylie was probably now "Creaming himself at such a sight!"

The Trail turned anticlockwise as it ran due south to a CHK before the Riddings, the westbound path up through the edge of a small bit of woodland caught out Ewok, Max Factor, Milf & Mr X.  Passing through Lower Riddings Farm, where a solitary collie was happy to receive so much attention from the mob invading his home!  At least it was downhill as the Trail passed through two consecutive cattle fields, though the drop down a few feet in the plateau caught out the unwary if care was not taken.

Everyone were soon swinging around back into Hognaston, in the last paddocks before coming out in to the village the pack passed by the dead ewe in a gap in the hedgerow.  Out beside one of the village’s stone houses to emerge out on the green by the bus shelter, the sign on the wall had been interfered with so it now read "Ball games to be played in the shelter"!  Most of the Keenies took the opportunity to sit on the round Millennium roundel with various names of the local villagers’ inscribed upon it.

By now some had visions that the Red Lion was like a mirage of an oasis within touching distance, & it was two minutes to opening, all of which meant Pepé le Pew's calls of "On back" fell on two pairs of deaf ears as Mr X approached the Pub & tried the door.  It was locked but not for long as the heavenly sound of the Bar Maid gently slipping back the bolt!  [Whoa there Pebbledash!  But Mr X was thinking the same thing when the door opened! - Ed]

The choice of Ale had to be Leatherbritches "Bounder" that had a picture of the distinctive gap-toothed grinning face of the Late Great Terry-Thomas on the pump clip.  The Pub's decor included a large Johnny Walker figure, as well as a gramophone with a model of 'Nipper' the Jack Russell listening to His Master's Voice, as in the HMV logo, Mr X explained that the original Victorian painting of "His Master's Voice" was a cylinder, later changed to a disc.  The reason the dog has a perplexed expression is that he can hear the recording of his master's voice but can't see him, for he is hearing it while upon his masters coffin!

As the two breakaways sat by the pub window it was noticeable it was raining on the eastern side but not to the western side of the Pub, where it was bone dry.  Of course the shower was on the side the Trail went, & it lasted just long enough for the two, now more than slightly smug, reprobates to sup up & start running the Trail.

Now the Sneaky Drinkers could stretch their legs until catching up with the SCB’s, or so they thought, as they ran up Green Lane beside the St Bartholomew’s Church, with its distinctive squat Norman tower, to leave the lane & head up through the field that sits about the Church grounds.

There would be a bit more running than they anticipated for My Lil’ & Mr X as the Pack were no longer holding the CHKs for the Walkers.  The Trail headed on a northwest bound track in to a shady woodland, which was nice as the sun was now out again after the passing downpour blown away.

There were plenty of signs alerting the walkers, cyclists & Hashers that this was Severn Trent Water land, as it crossed a series of fields to come out  on to the Millfield Lane, below Overtown Farm as the Trail headed over toward Carsington Water & down to the Sports centre.  A couple out walking said to My Lil’ & Mr X “The rest of your lot are in the Pub!” to which Mr X replied we already have been in the Pub & that’s why we are trying to catch up!”

It appeared that there was an event on at the Sport Centre on the Reservoir’s edge, which could have been a Triathlon, fortunately the Pack had enough sense & managed to miss the cordoned off lanes & take to a foot path that cuts through a small copse & up to main road back to Knockerdown.

Mr X & My Lil' caught up with Kylie & the back-markers, Kylie came out with a surprised "I thought you'd short cut back to base!" [Bloody Cheek! - Ed] as they over took him & would next catch up with Paxo, Pebbledash, Pepé le Pew at the road crossing to the footpath through the campsite by the Pudding Rooms.

The Pack crossed the road & headed back to the patio for the Circle.  Ewok raised a toast to the Happy Couple, as well as the Hash before handing over to the RA!

Mr X called forward Pepé le Pew as the days' Hare, he also called up My Lil' for being the previous week's Hare, who declined a pint of Greede King IPA in favour of one of the far superior Derbyshire Ales on offer this day!

As Mr X started off with the traditional Down -Down song, Milf suddenly interjected that she was the ‘Hash Song Mistress’, after this the chastised Mr X called upon her to supply various songs for those deemed worthy of a Down-Down!  Like Mr X for F*cking this up!

Things came around to misdemeanors on Trail & there weren't too many, even with the five-legged horse, which was mentioned.  Kylie was out for his feeble technique in trying to blow bubbles before being educated in to the correct distance to hold the wand from his lips [No Pebbledash, don't even go there!] Once he had mastered this, Kylie was a one man bubble machine at the naughty table nine for the Wedding Breakfast!

Suddenly normal proceedings were interrupted as it was brought to the attention of the Circle that the RA & Beer Master were wearing the same trainers, Mr X's protestations of "There's only one sports shop in town!" were drowned out by the jeers & abuse from the regulars of the Pack!  Being Hashers these two knew when they were beaten & stepped up to accept their Down-Downs!

Paxo was called out for his "Breakfast condiment arrangements" & Ewok for causing 'utter chaos'. The Virgins of Alexis, Colin, Nicola David, Linda, Les, Stewart, Robert & Danielle, were all out next as they were awarded for completing their first Hash (With Herts, who are now their mother Hash) all of them seemed to enjoy this as they completed their hits.

After the Circle the Hash discovered the brand new & unused Rounders set which the Bride's mum had brought this to amuse the kids, so of course My Lil, Paxo, Ewok, Milf & Kylie ended up playing Rounders, while Mr X was helping one of the 'Flower Girls' track down her's, her mums, dad' & brother's name tags from the back of the stacked up wedding chairs, before chatting to the Bride's mother, who was happy to see that the Rounders set was being used, as she looked out the window at the Hash trying to hit the ball & run around the bases!

The afternoon had a time to freshen up, or like Pepé le Pew you could go for a swim, cue the jokes about Whales, Japanese Ships & Tsunamis!  Before the evening turned to Port & Cheese.

Just like a true Hash Christmas weekend the evening ended, for some, with Port & Cheese, which was all very civilized. Well, it started off that way but soon slipped below the bar when the Hash conversation did its normal trick in dropping down a few levels to 'Smut'!  It would be another long, long day in to the wee hours, with the haunting sound of the Proclaimers still echoing through the mists of the Peak District!