Date                      6th Oct 2019

Run Number      1876

Venue                  The Chequers

Location             Potter’s Bar

Hare/s                 Wanktlers

Beer                    Greede King IPA!

Runners              14

Virgins                   0

Visitors                  0

Newies                  0

Après                     0

Hounds                 0

Total                    14

Membership      We like Traffic Lights, especially when they’re green!


The heavens had opened several times overnight, as well as during the early morning before it dried up.  Mr X & My Lil’ walked up from the Station & got to see first-hand the flooded road around to Northaw, having to switch sides of the lane that is the Causeway in order not to get soaked by passing vehicles on their way to Potters Bar, most drivers pulled right over to the opposite lane in order to avoid the deep lake-like puddle.

            However, a quick dash around the opposite side of the bend resulted in them remaining dry & they were soon back over to the footpath on the way to the Chequers.  Just a few yards from the venue & the Hare was seen coming toward them, he was off to get a coffee after rising early going around ‘tarting up’ the areas of the Trail that were marked in Arrows & unlike the flour hadn’t survived the rain. 

The offer to walk back around the flooded bend didn’t appeal to the other two, so the Hare set off on his own back to Potters Bar, along the way he would meet up with Michael & My Perfect Cousin, who also weren’t interested in going back via the small lake to get a coffee!

As the Pack arrived, there was some moving of vehicles, as Sludge & Pebbledash were busy trying to get their motors parked up within the white lines.  Kylie on the other hand parked on the opposite side, where a noisy large Alsatian [German Sheppard, the War is Over! – Ed] had been barking at the sight of Lemming bending over, as Lemming correctly pointed out Max, the German Sheppard with a German name, would have easily been capable of clambering over the gate if he really wanted to!  Even so, Kylie was warned to take off his top if Max was out, otherwise he may end up with a large pooch attached to his leg, or worse!

Pebbledash wondered what was preventing Paxo & TBT OBE form turning out this morning?  Most knew that Ewok was away in Liverpool, having completed a 5K run around the Aintree Grand National Course.  Mr X knew with Pebbledash being there, that the weather conditions up on Ware Alps wouldn’t have prevented Paxo from getting down to the main road.

By the time the Circle was called the weather was brightening up & the grey clouds were being blown away.  Mr X introduced the Pack to the correct Run Number, then the Hare was called forward to explain what the Pack could expect out on the Trail.  The warnings of water crossings were heeded, one being a permanent water way, while the latter was one created by the overnight deluge, the Hare described this as being “Something that Pack may not be able to avoid!”  He finished his ‘chalk-talk’ with “There is a Maximum Security Twilight Home we should get Sparky & other members of the Hash beyond, as inmates residents there pay £1000 a week to be locked up!

Without further ado the Pack were sent out through the traffic-light system on the narrow bend, which incidentally gives the Pub a unique claim to fame that it’s the only Pub in the UK to have its own traffic light!  With no need to worry about the red light on leaving the car park, the Pack ran along Coopers Lane back toward Potters Bar, to where two different colour arrows pointed the way over to small green space to the south side of the Causeway.

The Keenies were soon over the damp grass & searching over to Toddington Drive, there My Perfect Cousin found a Bar CHK, so it was a turn around to see the Hare was heading south-eastward, along with Sparky & Pebbledash down Coopers Lane Road. 

As the smaller lane turned eastward, the Hash managed to get Sparky & other elder Hashers by the Cooperscroft Nursing Home, “Move along, nothing to see!” to continue out from the North-eastern tip of Potter Bar.

As the road left suburban Potters Bar the roadside tarmac path disappeared, leaving the Hash no option but to run along the roadside.  Passing by another Care Home, again the senior Hashers were successfully led beyond this & none were interned as the Dust continued around the shallow bend to a CHK point at the side of the road.

Two option lay before the Keenies.  While Ketchup, Prince Garmin & Lemming went wrong by searching the easterly path through the wooded strip alongside Coppers Lane Road, My Perfect Cousin & Mike were hesitant after taking to the south bound footpath out over the paddock like field.

Milf & Mother weren’t as hesitant as the Trail was picked up southward toward Five Acre Wood, where at the north-eastern tip of the rectangle of woodland a CHK was found.  Sludge continued Southward, with Milf in tow, while others searched & picked up the Trail in the leaf littered woodland.  There as plain as day the Dust took the Hash over to the brook running through the plantation.  Milf came back from where there was no Dust, but Sludge was in ‘Selective Hearing Mode’ as he continued along southward & was not coming back as “On!” was called among the trees.

A leap over the stream would lead the Pack around on an arc through the broadleaf woodland & then back over once the water course once again, Milf’s second crossing was a bit more eventful than her first, for the spot she chose to land upon was not so solid & on her landing from her leap [of faith? – Ed] her foot sunk a fair way in to the soft Shiggy bank. 

The Pack continued to leave the wood & emerge out through a gate in the hedgerow & come back out on to the hedge-in path that Sludge had scuttled away down.  The majority of the Pack now thought that they were going to be a fair way behind Sludge, but they were soon cheered up as they ran on to a CHK, where away in the distance the figure of Sludge was now making his way back northward toward the CHK!

Mr X did a Simpson’s Nelson style “Ha! Ha!” after spotting Sludge had gone wrong by heading southward toward Foxhole Hill.  Back on track was Milf as she, My Lil’, My Perfect Cousin, Mike, Mother, Ketchup, Prince Garmin, Lemming & Mr X all took to the south-eastern option from the CHK, following the path by the brook to the north & the fenced off field to the south.

This narrow footpath led on to another CHK where there was a wide gap into Pond Wood.  The Keenies were now lead on an anti-clockwise direction on a loop round the broadleaf woodland of hornbeams etc.  On his way Mr X was surprised by a rustling of small figure in the bushes, the Squirrel scarer was wearing a t-shirt with the legend ‘Didcot is losing its Erection’ emblazoned across the back.  Mr X ran on & left Lemming to get on with the matter in hand in the hedgerow.

Next encounter for Mr X was a Gent out walking his retriever, the dog-walker called out to Mr X that he was supposed to be running, so the RA trotted on just as Sludge Short Cut across in front of him after running through the rough between the two main parallel paths. 

The Pack were now making their way up to Fir Wood, & back out on to Coopers Lane Road again.  At the edge of the road the Trail turned north-westward on a safer option of the path though the northern edge of the wood until reaching double arrows that pointed over the tarmac to what was the Greyhound Racing Association’s Hook Wood Kennels as Mr X knew them at the south end of Northaw Park.  This is now all gone & now home to the Oshwal Centre, with its ornate Indian styled building where the followers of the Jain Faith can practise their faith.

A run along by the single line of homes on Hook Lane soon moved from tarmac underfoot to a wide uncapped bridleway as the Trail made its way deeper into Hook Wood, the stony old route would drop down in to the valley before rising up the steeper northern side. 

While most of the Keenies had successfully passed by the long string of ponies all carrying small kids on a ride, but by the time Mr X arrived he was going to be held up as the instructors decided that the ponies should turn & head back to the northeast!  [Luckily Ewok wasn’t here this week, or we may have lost her – Ed]

After a quiet walk by the ponies, the RA could run again, but this wouldn’t last long as his enthusiasm & stamina were soon curtailed by the steep rise up to Northaw!  A slow plod up the last hundred yards would end as he passed by the metal five-bar gate to come out on to Northaw Road West, across from which were the other Keenies all gathered at the Held CHK on the ‘Millennium Garden’, which seemed to consist of a lot of paving slabs, a long flower box & a couple of hedges!

            To while away the time in waiting for Pebbledash, Kylie & Sparky to catch up after the two long stretches of Trail, Milf & Mother Played Hop-scotch, at one point using the toy car that was left by the flower box, a model that Milf said she could afford, unlike the real black Ferrari that some guy had started up & was waiting in before driving off!

My Perfect Cousin went back a little way down the Trail to see if the SCBs were coming up to the Held CHK, his eventual signalling & return allowed the Hare to send the Keenies off on their way to resume the Trail, while he waited to offer up a Short Cut for the SCBs.

My Lil’, Lemming & Milf all looked up the hill toward the Two Brewers, there was no Dust there, not on the start of Church Lane.  So, it was down the hill to the southeast, Dust was picked up & the Trail resumed to the point where double arrows pointed the way down the drive to the local Scout Hut, there the Trail lead north-eastward, then northward through a set of garages & out to a small ‘Community Orchard’ with its little apple trees. 

Mr X knew that there is a sports ground somewhere around here & expect the Trail to make its way through to that, it would but not just yet!  The Trail would rise up on to the crescent shaped Church Lane, which had Lemming concerned that he was go to be coming out where he had gone wrong toward the two Brewers, but no he wouldn’t as the Trail of now yellow & purple arrows took the Keenies away from the main road & on to a narrow concrete path down into the enclosed Sports Ground Mr X had mentioned earlier, but once in the green space the Trail appeared to just vanish.

With Lemming having searched up by the kids play area, & Mike over to the east, both failed to find any Hash markings, which was off no surprise as Milf had gone back to the concrete path to spot the long yellow Bar CHK! As Mick said “It looks like council markings!” that with a quick glance was easily dismissed by the Keenies!

Back up the Hill & the Pack made their way around Church Lane to come up opposite Thomas á Becket Church, which was rebuilt in the 1880 on what was St Thomas the Martyr.

The Trail now came back out on to the main Northaw road, passing by the Judges, originally known as the Sun, which is now a Bistro bar that Mother liked the look of!  The Trail was now leading around on to Judges Hill, but before reaching the main road back to Potters Bar there would be a little detour, as the Hare wanted the Hash to see the local Northaw Pond. 

Once in the now overgrown & unkempt secret garden with its pond, Lemming went over to look at one of the benches down in the enclosed.  He came back & said the reason it was overgrown & unloved was the bench was dedicated to Ron the Warden of the Village Pond who passed away a few years earlier!

            The Trail continued back out around beyond the fake roundabout, which amused Ketchup, with one junction being one of the drives to Northaw House.  The Keenies now followed long arc of the anticlockwise bend of the B156 Judges Hill Road from Northwest to Southwest.

The road dropped down & ahead of the Hash the Keenies could see Pebbledash, who took the opportunity of the Short Cut earlier, while Kylie was happy to do the whole Trail.  As for Sparky, well no one really knew what happened to him from here, including the man himself, he did stop off to collect some Horse Chestnuts as apparently his conkers keep spiders at bay back at his home! [Steady there Pebbledash! – Ed]

            The Pack would soon find out about the Hare’s earlier warning of a ‘water crossing that was created by the overnight rain’, for a huge deep puddle completely covered one side of the road, & part of the footpath!  Cars rushing by created a large wave of rainwater spray high & long over the route the Pack had to take!  So, there was a lot of twisting of necks in looking behind, waiting for a break in the traffic to make a mad dash by the lake without being drowned by careless driving!

            All got through without a soaking to run the final stretch of road opposite the busy & noisy Old Owens Sports ground & up to the Traffic lights, where the Pack had to cross back over, as Mother did so, Mr X noticed that she had run through a Red Light.  The Pack began to settle in, but it wasn’t long before they were left wondering where Sparky was?  He would eventually make it back, after popping in to the Two Brewers to ask where the Chequers is?  Perhaps he should have followed the Cyclists who were all heading to stop of as well at the Chequers!

            Sludge managed to coerce Milf & Kylie in to setting the Trail on the 20th to fill the vacant gap, as some of the regulars are away on the Peaky Blinder’s Hash in the midlands!  So, there is now no need to call the ‘Herts Hash Hare-line hotline’ & ask for Sludge!  For up to date Hare-line please look at the Website under ‘Future Runs’ on the Front Page of use this link

My Perfect Cousin was worried about getting done by the RA for scaring the Squirrels, after Mr X mentioned Lemming’s losing his Didcot erection, but it seems that the RA would be benevolent later on to My Perfect Cousin.  Of course the Hash conversation often drops down a level or two, but with Pebbledash present it soon turned to Aisle 11 in Tesco’s, where they now sell ‘Bullet Vibrators’!  This led to numerous jokes, puns & a bit of an education for a slowly getting tipsy, slightly naive Lemming, who after living a sheltered life wanted to know what’s the difference is between a Vibrator & a Dildo.

            Mother did try to explain, but then spent most of her time telling him to keep his voice down as the rest of the Pub, whose staff were nearly all female, could hear his conversation, as the others tried to explain that vibrators are mechanical & as the name says vibrates, whereas Dildos are phallic in shape, made of any suitable material, don’t vibrate & can range in size from the Little Lemming to the Tartan one on the top shelf [Sorry madam, that’s my thermos flask! – Ed]

            Sparky arrived back to a huge cheer, which surprised the group of cyclists now gathered outside.

When it came to the Circle, it was held in side as there weren’t too many to disturb & by this point if they were going to complain, then they would have done so after hearing Lemming going on about Sex-Toys!”

So, the Hash was toasted, then it was on to the Hare, who was rewarded for a great run that had the Keenies back on the hour.  Lemming was out for losing his Didcot Erection!  Pebbledash for lowering the tone & causing a queue in aisle 11! Sparky for going AWOL;