Herts Virtual Hash No.13

“Good Moaning all - just back from setting the Trail!” said the Hare.  Milf replies with “Didn’t see you on my run this morning so we are not in Puckeridge 🏃♀️🏃♀️?”  The Hare confirms that he “Didn't go that far!”

Sludge wonders if My Lil’ looking at his watch?  Tent Packer asks is it a “Smart watch?” While Canary Boy thinks of something stylish like a Swatch?  But Lemming is nearer the mark with “Sun dial?”  ⌚

Wanktlers informs the Pack that “It’s Raining here!” as Sludge informs him “Tough up north, it’s a nice warm day here, with a gentle breeze!”  Fliptop reckons “Serves you right for going to Scotlandshire!”  Then Tent Packer ruins it all by letting the rest know “30 degrees at 07:00Hrs!”

Wanktlers tells the Pack “I did see a deer this morning whilst walking the dog! Milf replied to Wanktlers “I saw plenty of dog eggs 🙃!”

Fliptop quickly changes the subject & starts proceedings with “Here we go again.  Welcome to H4 Virtual Hash run 13. Another lovely day thanks RA who is today's Hare.  (My predictive text / auto correct etc. not working since latest phone update.  Please excuse typos).  In to the circle Hare!”

Before starting his ‘Chalk-talk’ the Hare informs the Circle “Just to let you know, Custard & Spotted Dick were very pleased with their 100 R*n Goblets, so a bonus point for TBT OBE for getting that sorted!”

Mr X starts with “Yes lucky for some, thirteen weeks have now gone by, one week after the Government’s recommend 12 weeks for 70 year olds!  Anyhow, welcome one & all, hopefully things will be easing off a bit more?”

It was a bit of a hike for some to get to this week’s venue, the Queens Head, Allen Green & we are starting from the Pub Car Park, just rile My Lil’ (If only!) there is a Check point on the road outside of the Pub, it’s a pretty quiet place at the best of time & you have a choice of sou-sou-west or nor-nor-east on the road outside

Tent Packer thinks he’s going NME (Not NNE) which has Wanktlers thinking New Musical Express

No Eye Deer arrives with a cheery “Morning all.  Sorry bit of trouble with my laces!”  Milf replied Again? Time for Velcro!”  Tent Packer clearly has other things on his mind as he asks No Eye Deer about the laces being for Shoes or Basque?

Back to the Trail & Those who follow Flying Solo & Sludge 🏃♀️down to the road, aptly only find a T by the T-junction, so its back up to follow Milf, Fliptop, Tent Packer, Wanktlers & Canary Boy as they find Dust a couple of yards up toward nor-nor-east.  Milf calls “On! On!” as does Tent Packer.

No Eye Deer is still messing around trying to tie her laces the rest after find after four blobs of flour a Bar Check stops them in their tracks, so the Pack are all together  they head off to the west on a footpath heading away around the edge of a field.

It’s a convoluted start, with the turning north for a couple of yards, then turning northwest for about 10 yards, then north again in a jig-saw puzzle 🧩 like north-eastern corner of a crop field 🌾🌾 where it follows the hedge where it runs up to the veggie 🥕   Hylands Nursery, on the last northward section the Trail covers another 10 yards to come out on to a narrow dead-end Sacombs Ash lane.

No Check as the Trail is marked along the Sacombs Ash lane as it heads northwest toward a small Sacombs Ash pine plantation 🌲 🌲 🌲 where the track turns northward to arrive at a Check where the farm 🚜, route splits in to two.  Here is your next Check, your choices are a few degrees east of due north toward Blount’s Farm, or a few degrees of due west on Brook Lane?

Milf now claims that she’s feeling Dizzy, while Wanktlers reckons he’s Lost already!  The RA asks if the dizziness is caused by the heat?   Tent Packer goes off on a tangent with “Where is Sparky when you need him?”

Flying Solo & Milf go wrong to the to the west, while unusually Fliptop 🙋♂️ fares much better as he & Canary Boy head off up the farm track to the nor-nor-east for to hundred yards until the dust leaves the farm track 🚜, with arrows to reinforce the message to those gossiping in the Kitting Circle 🧶 in order for them not to get lost

The Pack now cross one crop field 🌾🌾 to reach a tree-line 🌲 🌲 🌲 along the edge of a musical sounding Fiddlers brook 🎶 🎻 by way of a wooden footbridge of a few planks to reach the next field, the footpath runs across the centre of a boot shaped section of farm land 🌾🌾 to continue north-westward along the northern edge of the longest section of the shaft section (steady Pebbledash! – Ed) of the boot. 🏃 🏃♀️  Fliptop enquires “Was it a tinkling brook?”

Along the tree-line & the Pack reach a Check point in the top north-eastern corner.  Your options are to check out due north, at the elbow of an old V-shaped lane that leads up into another village, do you chose the right hand arm of the V, the left hand arm or take the other option of the southwestern farm track along the edge of the field?

After a late start Mother arrives “Hi, just catching up!”

Those who follow Wanktlers & Mother to the right find a T, as does Tent Packer those who follow also find a T, this being situated to keep them away from the Prince of Wales a local Pub 🤴 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 well known to the Hash in a place that has confused some Hashers with a similar sounding village not too far away who went to the wrong place! 👔 Green Tye Fliptop calls out “Checking!”

It’s down Canary Boy on the farm track, just to “see what’s down there?” as he finds dust leading along the western edge of the farm field 🌾🌾 & after 100 yards 🏃 🏃♀️they reach a split in the fork in the footpath, here there is a Check & the two options left out into the farmland once again, or to the southeast or right to the southwest & down toward a large Bucklers Hall farm 🚜 complete with some huge outbuildings?

Flying Solo sets off toward the Bucklers Hall farm, while Tent Packer is flagging as he exhales a “Huff! Puff! Pant!”  Milf is bothered by the weather, “It is rather warm!”  Fliptop adds “Seems a long stretch?”  Milf then says “Good job I have water 💦”

A T prevents any further progress for Flying Solo off to the right with Mother, so its along out in to the fields with Wanktlers, Canary Boy, Fliptop & Sludge to run once again on a footpath that takes a jagged line heading toward a tree-lined old uncapped lane running 🏃 🏃♀️ from east to west, once on to the ‘lane’ arrows are found & they point the way westward, now the Keenies realise that they are on a loop & are heading back toward the other option from the last Check!

Reverting to type so quickly on the Virtual Trail, Canary Boy chirps “I’m getting thirsty!” while Sludge admits “Just been caught up by a cup of coffee!”  No Eye Deer tells him “Me too 😁!  Mother taunts the Pack with this image 🍺 while Milf replied to Canary Boy “Would you like some of my water?”  Wanktlers jumps straight in with “I never drink water, fish piss in it!”

The Hare asks “Has Lemming got lost? He's been too quiet for too long!”  Mother then lets the cat out of the bag with “He’s Hiding in the bushes!”

The Trail now leads up to the large Bucklers Hall farm & by the southern corner of the farmyard there is a conflagration of farm 🚜 tracks & footpaths, so it’s an ideal spot for a Check Point!  The Choices are northwest up through between the large farm buildings, to the south east on the farm track, or south-westward along the edge of the crop field 🌾🌾 beside a narrow river & over to another Hamlet of Perry Green (A Hamlet does not have a Church where a Villages does have a Church or Chapel) Fliptop confesses “I used to smoke hamlets!”  Sludge puts in with “Can’t smoke a church!” & the final words got to Tent Packer with “Are hamlets small hamsters?”

Tent Packer now changes the subject to the fact that the The Oddfellows in Harpenden got done for serving beer in tea pots!  The RA asks “Was it Hogsback Brewery T Ale?” But thinks that the Hash ought to go there when lock-down eases to support them?

Wanktlers now repeats himself “I'm lost again!” he’s not alone as Mother comes back with “Me too!” as does Milf. Fliptop is more concerned with the Trail as he calls “Anyone on trail.... are you?”  Flying Solo replies that she “Checking!” Canary Boy admits “No, I’m always lost on these VH trails!”

Tent Packer pipes up with “Amazing!”  Sludge adds “I once was lost but now am found!” Wanktlers finishes it off with “Was blind but now I see!” 

Sludge & Mother lead the way, while Flying Solo & tent Packer follow on, leaving Milf to run back from the falsie! After 250 Yards & a couple of slight kinks in the footpath’s route, the Hash come out by a former Mac’s Pub the Hoops which is now owned by the Henry Moore Foundation, which is currently closed, out on to the lane & there the next Check is found there are four options!  You can either search the lane to the nor-nor-west, down to the sou-sou-west, to the west on a drive through an area of some old looking farm looking Milf 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀

Tent Packer now informs the rest “Going back to the last check!”  Wanktlers calls out “Anyone?” to which Milf replies “Checking”

Canary Boy & Wanktlers don’t find a thing off up the lane, nor is there anything to the south they all come back as calls “On!” 🙋♂️ called by Fliptop & Flying Solo 🏃♀️who has venture on through the Farm on a track that leads on by a Porcine 🐖 🏠 sounding home of Hoglands of someone with an artistic bent [Careful Pebbledash! – Ed] that being Henry Moore

Lemming reappears as he gets his excuses out of the way with “On Trail after grandkids calling!”  Sludge then adds “Can’t hear anyone calling?” so the Hare informs him “Sludge, Specsavers now do hearing aids! Or Borrow Sparky's EARTRUMPET?!”

The Trail now leads away north-westward as the uncapped drive runs below the southwestern end of a woodland as it runs beneath the Chase Farm house & grounds to out into the arable farmland 🌾🌾 on top of a plateau, over to the west is a splendid vista overlooking a verdant valley but after a three hundred yards 🏃 🏃♀️the Pack have to look down to see a Check by where a footpath heads off to the North, do you now follow the northern option toward a cemetery, or continue a few yards to the west & then around the elbow of the track as it turns southward in to the crop fields 🌾🌾?

No luck for Tent Packer as he goes around the elbow, Fliptop’s also fails to pick up the Trail, but “On!” is called by Wanktlers 🙋♂️  its northward for just over 100 Yards, then where a footpath leaves to head north-westward through a crop field an arrow is found, do you obey the arrow or do you ‘Sludge it’ & keep heading to the north

Fliptop reckons it’s a very picturesque trail today, No Eye Deer replied to Milf “Thought it might be 😀 Only things that grow”

Mother, Canary Boy Tent Packer & Sludge are all off Trail, those like Zing-a-long-a-max who obey the Trail markings are rewarded as they trot 🏃 🏃♀️on through the crop to reach the edge of the wooded edge of the plateau 🌳 🌳, here the Trail runs under the canopy of shaded broadleaf woodland to drop down the steep wooded ridge 🌳 🌳 🌳 🌳 of Mill Wood to find a Check in a small opens space by the edge of another river the Ash, there are three options here, run down the last bit of open land to cross the river, or stay on the east bank to search to the northern or the south under the shade of the tree canopy 🌳 🌳?

Milf makes her choice, saying “It has been a Godsend the River crossing!” Tent Packer moans “My shoes are wet again!” Wanktlers came is quick with “Is that why you pissed on your shoes?”  Tent Packer admits “It was!”  Sludge now bemoans “Not wet feet!” as Milf is now busy Splashing everyone 💦 Mother is hot & splashes about in the river, Lemming is the one for splashing those who try & get across the ford & he is joined by Canary Boy, Milf to is in the water & all gets are wet feet at the ford to the west - Tent Packer goes into wash the smell of p*ss from his Hash Shoes

Milf suddenly “Had a panic attack when I saw your SNAKE!” [Calm down Pebbledash, it’s a picture of a snake hanginmg on Tent Packers Window he’s flashed up!]

Lemming reverts to the basics as he calls for “Wet T-shirts anyone?” Milf replied to Lemming “Have one on 😀!” Tent Packer calls out “I’m in charge of T-shirts!”  Canary Boy is now on Lemmings level 🌊

While Lemming pervs at the idea of 'wet T-shirts' Tent Packer cries that he's responsible for T-shirts on this Hash! Sadly for those water babes there is no Dust heading away to the north for to find, so its southward with Fliptop to run through the nice woodland 🌳 🌳 on a gently meandering path as it moves a few degrees to west from due south on its course by the river Ash that leads on toward a Hadham Mill.  Just by the Mill there is a Check point with two option, one is to run down the drive to the mill & on to the lane to the south, or begin the climb back up the wooded ridge 🌳 🌳 🌳 🌳 to the east?

Fliptop “Not many landmarks or clues ??” as Milf claims that she “Need a short break (all that water)!”  Lemming now has regrets as he claims “My wet t shirt is sticking to me!” while Tent Packer, our resident Arkwright, is in there with “Want to buy a dry one?”  “How much?” asks a virtually wet Lemming & adds “Any opportunity!” Tent Packer ignores this & finishes the conversation with “£8 Plus delivery!”

Flying Solo goes astray to the Hadham Mill, but the climb up to the east pays off for No Eye Deer & Milf lead everyone else except Flying Solo, it may be steep but  ♀️ 🙋 Milf is out through the tree-line 🌳 🌳 to come up in to the southwestern corner of a sheep 🐑 🐑 field on the Henry Moore Foundation Estate, the Trail is marked to the northeast, here there are a series of concrete piles for what appears to be a drainage system, Tent Packer chips in with “I hate concrete piles!” [Sounds painful! – Ed]  Lemming casts an expert eye on the ovines adding “Sheep look frightened!” But of more interest are a couple of large sculptures Henry Moore 🗿 🗿 that dominate the vista over toward the northeast.

After some 400 Yards the Trail meets the footpath down from the elbow in the north of a track earlier on the Trail, here there is a Held Check, yes it’s the sweetie stop time 🍭🍬 🍭🍬 🍭🍬

Canary Boy offers other sweets 🍫🍬🍭 as Milf syas “No hard ones I hope?” [Steady Pebbledash! – Ed] Wanktlers replied to Milf “Speak for yourself!”  as Sludge gives up on the goodies & declares “I need a short cut!” Milf tries encourage Sludge with a “Remember what happened 🚑!” in Hoddesdon way.

Fliptop now starts off a series of cornery ovine based puns & punchlines that miss the target! “There are some quite attractive ewes!” as Tent Packer gets in a “Ewe should know!” Lemming thinks Canary boy looks in love or lust? As Mother jumps on the bandwagon with “Love ewe!” as Milf adds “Bless him!” The it goes on with Tent Packer’s “Thank ewe!” Wanktlers adds a Craggy Island sounding “Baaaa!”

Fliptop tries to change the subject with “No jelly babies again??” but Sludge replies to Mother with “Stop bleating!” Tent Packer then steps in with a controversial “Any Bertie Bassets or are they on a riot at the mo!”  Mother then will not let it lie as she responds to Sludge with a “Ewe stop bleating!”  The Hare gives up, saying “Thank god it’s not Easter as we'd be getting egg related puns!”

Just when we thought it was all over Milf joins the bad-pun brigade with “You sheering that sheep!” prompting Mother to add “Over to ewe!” to which Tent Packer finishes it off with “Any time ewe like!”

The Hare finally stops this nonsense with “Got an email form Sparky on Thursday, replied to him yesterday, may even ring him now I can spare an hour or two!” Milf adds “I got a reply to the email I sent him, in March, yesterday!” Tent Packer then asks if this was by post?

Mr X then continues with “It’s the same as he sent to Milf & Kylie, says his knee is still hurting but he's out & about on his bike! So, watch out around St Albans & Wheathampstead area!”  A possibly miffed No Eye Deer replied to Sparky didn't reply to her email. Milf replied to No Eye Deer “He will in December 😐!” as Lemming [Sparky’s IT Man! – Ed] added “Pigeons don't fly fast I'll send it on to the Hash to read!”  The Hare adds “The one Dick Dastardly was chasing did fly that fast!”

Tent Packer continues his ‘Sparky-baiting’ “I didn’t send him an email and he hasn’t replied yet!” as Mother says “Same here!”  Mr X asks Tent Packer “Where you demanding money?  I suggest you call him, you have the time on your hands!” Tent Packer is straight back with “No! He wants a blue cap.”  TBT did call him, so perhaps that he thinks he's passed on any info?  The Hare says that TBT did call him, so perhaps that he thinks he's passed on any info?  Milf has the last word in Sparky’s defence with “Naughty people!”

Ok, it’s Time to move on & when it comes to resuming the Trail there is only one option to take & that is to turn south, then after a few feet take to the south-eastern footpath over to the end of the 🐑 paddocks, crossing over a stream of the river Bourne & on to a lane, there is now Check on the lane as the Hare doesn’t want the Pack hanging about on the tarmac but to continue heading 🏃 🏃♀️southeast to come out to a junction in a small Village 🏘️ by a house that has a name of Minges that Pebbledash would find amusing in an area that would remind the Hash of being at an Essex Seaside resort (You can hear TBT OBE typing that in to Google Earth right now!) as the place is called South-end

A Check is found on the end of a narrow lane that joins the slightly wider main road, your options are south down the narrow lane, or northeast up the main lane?  Fliptop is now excited as he mistakenly thinks “I'm off to Leigh-on-Sea!” Milf replied to Fliptop “When?”  Before adding “Take your cossie!”

Nothing to the south for Sludge & Tent Packer, which greatly amused the Hare, Sludge cries out “Bugger!” as up to the north Mother & Milf lead the girls off on the right way 🙋♀️  as they pick up arrows & leave the lads behind!  After about 20 yards is off on a footpath through the drive running through the grounds of a large St Elizabeth’s School 🏫 & home for around 230 Yards between various outbuildings to arrive on the grounds eastern side, once on to an old farm drive a Check is found your choices are northeast out through the arable fields 🌾 🌾, or southeast to more open fields of the Old Park?

Tent Packer decision is now based upon whether “If that is better for my hay fever?”  Fliptop then asks “Are we there yet?” as Tent Packer consolidates him with “Just round the next corner!”  Then the idle chit-chat is stopped with “Anyone up for this?” As Naked Rambling Day rears its head!!   Mother then says “Filthy lot!” to all of the thumbs up 👍 as Tent Packer confesses he join “Virtually of course!” Milf ponders “Let’s hope its warm 🤣🤣  Tent Packer beats Lemming to the line “Bit nippy, I see Milf Would make great viewing 😜!” No Eye Deer is more coy as she says “Keeping my clothes ON!” Canary Boy adds “Oh! Ok then!”

Anyhow everyone laughs, but not as loud as the Hare, at Tent Packer & Lemming who went wrong to the north & chuckle on their way with Wanktlers, Milf, Mother, Canary Boy & Fliptop On Trail 🙋♀️ 🙋♂️  to the southeast, this route now turns almost due eastward 🏃 🏃♀️over the farm land 🚜, passing beneath the National Grid Pylon lines until the footpath reaches the edge of the musical sounding Fiddlers brook 🎶 🎻, the direction changes to southeast on a wibbly-wobbly trail matching the contours of the Bourne water way, then the Trail crosses the brook by way of a narrow couple of planks of a footbridge with a hand rail to come out on to a wooded old Covey’s lane, an old right of way running from north to south, here is the last Check of the Trail. 🙋♀️ 🙋♂️  🏃 🏃♀️

North or South?  Are the options as Fliptop thinks he’s on the way “On to Berk......?”  Milf now asks Fliptop “Where is the dog 🐕?” as Tent Packer adds “That’s bark not berk!”  Fliptop informs the rest that Teddy's knackered after walk earlier finishing with a “woof woof!” Milf reckons “We miss him!” Meanwhile Mother replied to Tent Packer “No burkas!”

While Tent Packer, Lemming, Milf, No Eye Deer, Fliptop & Wanktlers go wrong to the south, Trail is found by Sludge, Canary Boy & Mother up to the north as the tree lined old Covey’s Lane by-way runs up 🏃♀️ by the brook for 500 Yards until It comes out on to a narrow tarmac farm drive, that links two farms of Warrens & Dukes Farm running from the one up at the northwest to the elbow in it the Hash have come out on to, here arrows points the way eastward & as the Keenies move on the On Inn is found back in Allens Green, so at the end of the drive out of the second farm into the village 🏘️ & in to the Queen Head, Sloppy Seconds favourite Pub!