Herts Hash Virtual Hash No.17

The early birds always get worms as Lemming licks the intro’s off with “Evening all!” & he is greeted by the Hare with an “Evening my little bald friend!”  All the way from Rutland we get an “Evening everyone!” from Canary Boy, as Lemming comes back with “Or friends!” a social comment on the main haircut sported by the lads of H4.

Mother arrives with a Cheery “Good evening all!” While Canary Boy comes back with “Hello mum!” to Mother.  The Hare is surprised & exclaims “MUM!”  Mother adds “Mummy!”

Fliptop then gets things under way “Hi everyone GM is back to welcome you all to Herts Hash House Harriers virtual run no. 17. Your hare to day (and gone tomorrow), is your one and only the fabulous Mr X......”

The Hare begins with “Yes another week but we are slowly edging toward ‘freedom’?  The UK’s over all Covid-19 R rating has dropped again, St Albans has had a spike this weekend, with a rise from 10.2 to 19.0, the English Average is 0.8 -1.0”

Today we are in Bishops Stortford a Market Town mentioned in the Doomsday Book, starting from a car park 🅿️ near to a Bishops Stortford railway station 🚉, something to get Kylie excited.  Watch Out for the remaining Flying Ants 🐜 The Hare warns the Pack to watch out for road crossings, as well as the chance to see a Pink Indian!  Flux of Pink Indians were formed here!

Mr X is benevolent this morning, no Check to start with & annoy My Lil’ as the Pack are directed out of the car park & over a main road 🚗 A1060  to a wishbone like road 🚗 junction to the east, there is a check here & two options to continue around the short bend to the eastbound Warwick road 🚗 that could be home to Paxo, the other option is to take to the southeast bound Crescent Road crescent?

Milf elects to go “Round the bend” as does Canary Boy, Mother adds “I'm round the bend!” to which Kylie replied “We know!”  Milf agrees as Kylie adds “And always have been😁” as Canary Boy warns Kylie “You’re going get into trouble! 😀”

Nothing on Paxo’s Warwick road but fortunately the Pack all chose to run down the crescent as Milf 🙋♀️ finds Trail on this 🌳 🌳 leafy urban 🏡🏡 street 🏡 🏡 as it curves around from southeast to southwest, the FRBs of Milf, Mother, Lemming & Fliptop now think that they are getting away from Kylie, but after 150 yards Milf finds a Bar Check, 🙋♀️ so it back up to Avenue Road a side road 🚗 off the east where the likes of Kylie is following the Hare.

After about 70 yards arrows direct the Pack off due south on an elbow shaped Gilbey Avenue Road, a rather nice green urban 🏡🏡 street of detached homes, after 50 yards to the south the Trail now turns to a few degrees north of due east for another 50 yards to emerge out on to another of green suburb streets Pine Grove, a Check here gives you two options, north or south? Fails up to the north, no Trail, but to the south a few arrows are found down to a bend in the end of road 🚗, it’s a short way to this next Check point, here the choices are south-westward on another section of the nice estate 🏠🏠, or to head around the corner toward a Primary School 🏫?

Sludge calls out “Hey, wait for me to catch up!” so Sludge is also shown the way by the Hare to avoid the Bar Check & a thankful Sludge comments “Ta muchly!” then Kylie gets in a quick “You'll be shortcutting later anyway! 😜”

After being shown the way to the front, Sludge now fails completely by going to the southwest, as Fliptop follows on behind him, meanwhile up by the School 🏫 arrows are found by Lemming 🙋♂️ leading on by the closed gates & then on to an alleyway for some 60 yards between the School 🏫 grounds to the south & then the back corner of Herts & Essex Community Hospital ️ grounds to the north, the Trail turns on to a southbound alleyway running down by the School 🏫 grounds for 20 Yards before peeling off in to the dead end of a side street of the Hedgerows, this snaking route weaves several times until it finally turns southward to come out to a T junction where it joins an almost east to west road 🚗 Bedlam Lane

A Check here only has two options, east or west, fails to the west opposite a Sports & Social Club 🏏   on the edge of the Farm 🚜 land to the south, while along to the west on a name that was once associated with Insanity Bedlam Lane, some 200 yards or more have to be run, a piece of cake for all of the Pack these days!

Sludge is happy as he goes for “Insanity for me!” Kylie is in a different county of North Devon as he declares “Westward Ho!”  Sludge offers up his solution [Careful Pebbledash! – Ed] with “Girls go East, Boys West!” which prompts Lemming to say “Young Man is the song!”

While Fliptop, Kylie, Sludge & most to the boys go wrong, East it is As Milf rapidly dispenses with the Check, Mother has an instinct to follow Milf as they call “On!” 🙋♀️ t 🙋♀️ he road 🚗 narrows to become an old single track lane & the footpath ceases at the end of the housing, reaching a Check on the southern side of the road 🚗  where there are two footpath options, one heads off further eastward through a group of trees 🌲  🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲, or there’s the 💏 kissing gate option to a long straight footpath through the crop fields to the south, do you give Milf one to run southward [A big sloppy virtual Kiss 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿? – Ed] or head eastward?

Fliptop now notices “Been a few spots of rain....glad I brought a waterproof !”

Those like Lemming, Mother 🥰😍😘, Sludge & Fliptop (Most of today's pack!) who puckered up are rewarded once beyond Milf 💋 😘  as they find Dust leading away between the crops 🌾🌾, the path starts off as straight as a die for 200 Yards, then it wiggles from east to west a couple of times as it picks up a tree 🌲  🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲  line skirting around a 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 Welsh sounding Jenkins Farm 🚜, the trot to the south now ends at the T-junction with an east to west footpath, these are the only two choices

To the east lies a large main M11 road 🚗 around 250 yards away, do you chose this option, or head westward for 50 yards to search the old lane to the Jenkins Farm 🚜?

Nowt can be found by Canary Boy over toward the busy main arterial Road 🚗 by, Lemming & Sludge fare better away to the old Farm 🚜 lane, they drag Mother 🐷🐮, Milf & Fliptop along with them as the tarmac route heads up some 100 Yards to the northwest, then at the apex turns southwest.  It’s a fairly long 300 yards trot 🙋♀ 🙋♂️ along the narrow lane, but there is enough verge on the side for the Pack to safely negotiate their way beyond the seriously gated driveway to the local sewage 💩 works to come out to the edge of a main A1060 road 🚗, this has no footpath along it, just a verge but for safety’s sake there are arrows directing the Hash straight across to the hedgerow on the opposite side!

Footpath 60 yards to the north, but the Hare decides that to please TBT OBE there will be an ‘unofficial’ route straight through the tree 🌳 🌲 🌲 line of the A1060 & hedge to squeeze your way out into the edge of a Rushy Meads nature reserve, after 20 yards through the trees    🌳 🌲 🌲the Trail comes out to a Check in the middle of the Rushy meads, only two choices, north or south on a desire line?

Sludge goes “South, please!” Lemming adds that this is “Very polite!” of Sludge, Sludge then comes back with “Yes, that's me!” which makes “Kylie quips (makes a change 😜) “Sludge replied to Kylie “Cheeky Monkey!”

After all of her good work so far a T is found up to the north by Milf & she manages to fool Lemming & Mother to follow on, so its southward as Sludge 🙋♂️ calls “On!” through a patch of woodland 🌳 🌳 🌲    🌳 🌲 to emerge out on to the bank of a river Stort that was once of commercial use leading to a port Jackson.  The pack have to complete a 450 yard run around from south-eastward to due west as the river turns through the wooded wetland landscape over on the west bank.

Eventually the Pack arrive at a porcine sounding Pig lane, here by the bridge is a Check point, there are three options.  Firstly there is a northbound Footpath over the bridge & a matter of a few yards back into the western edge of the nature reserve, or southbound off the elbow of the lane to the Farm 🚜 & its surrounding arable 🌾🌾 land to the south, or lastly to head westward on the southern bank of the wide river Stort?

Fliptop now realises & points out “Fast pace tonight...” & Kylie replied to Fliptop “Telling me!”

North proves to be a falsie for little Lemming , while the southern choice is of no interest to the Pack & just s well as sticking with the river’s edge is the correct option for Kylie (Must be a virtual Trail!) who now calls “On!”🙋♂️  The river bends southward on a 100 metres arc, at a slight dent in this turns is a footbridge spanning the wide river, arrows point the way over the bridge & into the woodland 🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲  🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲 on the western bank there the Dust leads out over an area of meadow land for 60 yards to a footbridge that has a steep set of steps up to cross high above the tracks 🛤️ below, chance for Kylie to get a photo 📷 before the steep descent, then after a 52 yard trot over a small section of fallow land the Trail comes out by a B&B on to a capital sounding road 🚗.

Kylie ON ON! 🏃🏃🏃🏃️ Looks just like you Kylie!  Time to virtually hold hands & cross the Obrey Way road 🚗, as directed by arrows.  Safely across & Lemming complains “Canary Boy, let my hand go!” as Canary Boy replies “Sorry but I thought you were taking me to the pub!”

There is a Check on the western side of the road 🚗 right by a footpath sign, do you search northward toward town, southward away from town or take to the west bound footpath out through the arable 🌾🌾 fields?

Fliptop wishes “West ... must get one right soon?” as Lemming jokes “Next week with a bit of luck?”

A T prevents any progress northward for Canary Boy, Lemming & Mother, while southward it’s a no, no as well for Kylie!  The nice traffic free footpath out over between the homes lining the main London road 🚗 to the Farm 🚜 land beyond is the best choice as Milf calls “On!” 🙋♀️ as the Pack begin the longest stretch of the Trail, some 500 yards plus through the northern, top end of the patchwork of the different fields.  Teddy can go off the ead for this bit! 🐕  as Fliptop calls out “Woof! On! On!  Milf 🏃🏃🏃️ Canary Boy 👣

Sludge now warns “Slow down you move to fast!” Mother adds a & Lemming claims “Got to make the morning last!”

Kylie replied to Sludge Not found a short cut yet?  Sludge replied “Fraid not!” to which the Hare asks “Piece of string?” Fliptop then reminds the pack “That's a Windmill trail... piece of string - God blest him!”

Surprisingly Kylie finds that he is able to keep up & hold his own [Steady Pebbledash! – Ed] with the likes of Milf, Lemming, Mother, Canary Boy & Fliptop  on this long stretch on a gently arcing path that halfway along has a tree 🌲  🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲  line on its southern flank, leading it up to a small box wood 🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲  🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲 by a roundabout on the towns southern approach Obrey Way road 🚗, the Trail turns northward by the end of the wood for a matter of a mere 20 yards to reach the edge of the main road 🚗, no time to hang around, nip over just by where the old Thorley village route meets the new by-pass.

A Check is found on the road side footpath, the choices are southwest along the road 🚗 toward an old Thorley Village, north-eastward toward town, or search the northbound passageway leading up through the new estate 🏠🏠 to the southwest of town?  Lemming is now worries & exclaims “You leave my passage alone!”

With the old Thorley village for Fliptop & Sludge being wrong, it’s down Lemming 🙋♂️ to lead the way up between the fence-panelled back gardens with Milf 🙋♀️ & Canary Boy  🙋♂️ for some 120m Yards, there are a couple of little connecting side alleys along the way but the Hare does not utilize these to lead anyone astray.  The Trail comes out on to a larger Friedberg Avenue road 🚗, here there is a Check point just over on the traffic calming island, options are east or west on the urban 🏡🏡 street, or up the continuation of the back passage to the north?

Fliptop declares !Help I'm lost!” while Milf is in Pebbledash mode as she declares “No back passage for me !!!!”

Yes it’s up the old back passage again [Calm Down Pebbledash! –Ed] for Lemming & Milf as they call “On!” 🙋♀🙋♂️ & lead a confused & Lost Fliptop & Canary Boy the way for 60 yards until reaching a T junction where the alleyway meets another that runs east to west.  A Check here leaves only two choices, east or west?

Tent Packer suddenly appears “Sorry just trying to catch up!” as the Hare reassures him  “We have marked the checks!”

Fliptop no wonders “West again. Must be right eventually?” 

No Trail for Lemming & Fliptop to the west, so its eastward with the late arriving Tent Packer now showing his hand as he leads the way, with Sludge keen to go east a swell on through the tree🌳 🌲 🌲 lined path that makes it feel like it’s a more ancient route than the 1980’s Thorley housing estates 🏠🏠it weaves its way between & connecting the cul-de-sacs both north & south of its 120 yard route out to an arcing wider road 🚗 of Villieres-Sur-Marne Avenue that could have some believing that they are in the suburbs of Paris?

A Check is found here, it leaves two options, northwest or southeast?

Milf now fails to the southeast, as does Mother, Lemming & Tent Packer!  Finally Fliptop fares far better, as he & Canary Boy  spot arrows 🙋♂️  🙋♂️ up to the north on the opposite side where a side Magnaville road 🚗 leads away to the east, after 20 yards arrows point the way off the street & northward up another back passage, the area you are running is in is like a rabbit warren of inter-connecting snickets & ginnels.

After 110 Yards the footpath turns a few degrees north of due east, run through a long wooded strip at the southern end of local allotments for another 100 yards, after which the route turns northward to lead out in to a park, since the play equipment is out of bounds, it seems like a good place to have the sweet stop 🍭🍬 🍭🍬 🍭🍬to occupy the Hash as the Pack regroups in an area where Glen Hoddle bought his first house.  Canary Boy 🍫🍡🍢🍭🍬

The Hare ads that “The pace is fast today, which is good as I need to go shopping in a mo!” Milf enquires “New mask?”  Tent Packer then asks “I’ve never had a snicket is it like a Magnum?” Fliptop then puts Tent Packer right with “No Snickers!”  

The Hare then explains that a Ginnel iss a northern expression for your back-passage, or alley!  Milf again says “No back passage thank you 😊”  Mr X then adds “AGinnel or Jigger are also regional names for the same, we are all inclusive in Herts!”  A Shocked Tent Packer then replied “I’ve heard my back passage called lots of things but never a snicket!”

Fliptop changes the subject to “Have we got jelly babies tonight?” The Hare admits “Only virtual ones!” Then Lemming adds “That looks like Mother, but taller!” as he eyes up the Jelly Babies

It’s getting smutty, so it’s time to move on & the Hare marks the Trail to the southeast, the Pack now embark on a 220 Yard run over the elongated green Park space to come out on to one of the main Thorley Hill road 🚗, but just as it looks like the Pack are heading back toward the On Inn the Trail turns north-westward on an uphill run though the urban 🏡🏡 street for 150 yards, turning with the Havers Lane road 🚗 junction to the west & then northward, crossing to pass a Tesco Express 🏪 before reaching the next Check by the gates to a local Cemetery. 🪦 🪦

The choices are head up the road 🚗, take to the drive through the eastern side of the Bishops Stortford cemetery ️ or cross over to the western side of the cemetery.

Tent Packer choses “I’ll go dead centre!” Lemming bleats to the RA “Please Sir, Tent Packer is being smutty again!” Tent Packer replied “Tell tale!” & Mother adds “Tit!” Lemming then asks “Who said tit?” Tent Packer the adds “Thank you don’t mind if I do!” as Sludge catches out Tent Packer with “Now whose being smutty?” Milf finishes off this conversation with “Don’t let the truth get in the way!”

It’s a dead loss for Canary Boy, Fliptop, Kylie & Sludge over to the western side (see what I did there?), while there is nothing for Tent Packer ‘Dead Centre’ further up the road 🚗, it’s down to Mother & Milf 🙋♀🙋♀️ who seem to be joined at the hip as they locate the Trail through the wooded 🌳 🌳 🌲 🌳 🌲 🌲 eastern half of the cemetery.  Milf “On! On!  🏃♀🏃♀🏃♀️ Quietly!” & it’s all rather peaceful on the respectful way to the north with no calling 🙋♀🙋♂️ just raised arms to indicate the Trail has been found, until the Trail leaves after some 120 yards at its northern tip.  The pack are directed straight over triple Apton road 🚗 junction to continue northward, the Trail ignores the many side streets & cul-de-sacs on either side.

The road 🚗 gently turns to the northeast on a wide old arc, on the way the Trail passes by a Bishop’s Stortford Vineyard Church , then on up by what was a Priory, then the Hare makes the pack turn off the road 🚗 on to an old route before Age Concern, as he is concerned a losing some of the senior members of the Pack in there!  The north bound avenue of tree   🌳 🌲 🌲 s 🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲 🙋♀ 🙋♂️  lead up in to the scenic grounds of larger St Micheal’s Church .

Mother comments on Kylie’s athleticism this morning with a “Never seen you move that fast?” Fliptop then asks “Has Mother got her own special gif library???” as Tent Packer adds an Emoji of himself though some think, like Mother, that “ He's missing his buff!” while Lemming shows his age by claiming it looks more like Mr Pastry! Sludge quips “Stale Pastry?”

Now out on to the old High Street of the market town with a coaching heritage, Arrows point the way over to a Regal 👑 sounding Kings street that continues taking the Pack 105 Yards northward before it turn north-eastward & joins a main A1250 road 🚗 at the northern end of town centre, taking a clockwise route the Trail crosses the bottoms of two mini roundabout that are about 40 yards apart on the arterial route as it forms a horse-shoe shape 🧲 around the old town, this avoids cutting through the centre of town & avoiding most shops 🏬 🏬, which is now not without controversy as the local Arts Centre 🗿 is named after Cecil Rhodes who was born here in Bishops Stortford in 1853!

After another 40 yards, beyond the local Waitrose 🏬, the Pack are directed to the northern side to the main A1250 road 🚗. Now on the edge of a wooded 🌳 🌳 🌲    🌳 🌲 🌲 section of the Waytemore Castle Grounds parkland, arrows lead the Hash around behind a small car park 🅿️, to the east of this a Skate Park over the river, a Check is found by the Bridge.  As the Pack look around the options are through to the skate park 🛹 or to the south where the Park area is dominated by an old Motte & Bailey 🏰.

Milf adds “Kylie thinks he knows where we are 😀” Lemming asks “Did Waitrose give it away?” as a witty Fliptop adds “No they charge lot!!” Canary Boy thinks That narrows it down!

No one in this Pack are interested in Skate Boarding (or Wanks on planks as thy are called in New Zealand)T & the Trail is picked up southward by the Whole of the Pack to run on 🏃♀🏃♀ 🏃♀️t 🏃♀️he Western side of the large earthen mound of the Grade 1 listed Waytemore Castle Motte & the anti-clockwise path 🌳 🌳 🌲 🌲around the base turns when it reaches the southern ‘Six o’clock’ mark to turn northward up the steps to climb the large Motte & in to the remains of the stone bailey for a chance to get a view of the local area & also polish of the remaining sweets 🍭🍬 🍭🍬 🍭🍬

Tent Packer asks “Polish and Czechs eh?”  While the Hare adds “More virtual sweets, that are keeping you all away from the fridge for a few minutes!”

Time to move on & the Hash are told they are now on the final leg as the Trail over by the Tennis 🎾 courts is marked, there the Trail is picked up by once again by the river’s edge, it is noticeable that the river Stort is not as wide here as the Hash follow the water’s course through the tree-line that leads along the eastern side of the Waytemore Castle 🏰 grounds.

The Pack are led over a small foot-bridge over the river Stort & onto the edge of a field that was once used for jousting & the like 🏹, the south bound footpath sticks by the river Stort as it begins to get wider as it passes beneath a wide road 🚗.  Below road 🚗 level & the river is now wide enough to be home to some narrow Boat 🛥s in the basin of what was the town ‘Port’  Jackson.

Kylie, asks “Are you going shopping in the Waitrose, Sainsbury's outer the M & S here?”

It’s been a really fast pace today, so you all deserve a cheer!  The after some 100 yards on what is now the old tow-path the Trail passes beneath the A1250 road 🚗 bridge, on the southern side is a zig-zag ramp up to street level & once up to the road 🚗 side the Trail turns eastward for 20 yards & then turns southward by the local cinema in to the car park the Trail started from & the On Inn

Where have you been Hashing today

Kylie reminds the Pack of “Paxo's shortest ever trail where we were waiting for the pub to open. Bishop's Stortford”   The wonders “I guess you'll be going into the lovely 2 story Spoons (The Port Jackson) after?” Canary Boy🍺🍺🍺 Lemming 🍻🍻🍻

The Hare reminds Kylie “Yes, it was Short, but not as short as Juniors in Buntingford! Which went from the Crown, around the back streets to the east, over the river, back via the ford & in to the Jolly Sailor!”

Sludge replied to Canary Boy 🍺🍺🍺 Tent Packer 🍷🍷🍷🥃 Mother

Bishop’s Stortford

The Band Flux of Pink Indians were formed here

Port Jackson

Warwick Avenue


Jenkins Farm

Rushy Mead Nature Reserve

The River Stort (Navigation)

Pig Lane

Thorley Street

Thorley Park (Glen Hoddle’s 1st House)

Waytemore Castle