Herts Hash – Herts Virtual Hash No.2

The early birds start chatting away:

Mark E Mark asks “Anyone pick my trainers last week?”  Mr X replied that they are still outside the Garden City Brewery

Lemming wants to know “Is this where you wait for the hash?”  Of course it is!

The Hare announces that “We have a prize this week as well!” It’s a toilet roll which Lemming says “The prize it a bit shitty!”  Mr X replies that its Unused, it could have your name on it?  So take heed of the clues around the Trail

“It's like magic!” Says Lemming Mr X Thanks our own Paul Daniels & asks “How is Debbie Magee?” Lemming states that he’s Going for breakfast now as just got back from run.  Debbie was with me

Rhino joins & states “Haven’t run with Herts for ages, I’m up for it!”

Lobby says “Morning rhino ... how’s splash? Xxx”  Rhino lets slip  “She’s ok thanks , actually still in bed!”

Mark E Mark, always caring asks “Are you coping ok or are you on the edge, Cliff?” Lemming replies “I am always on the edge of something!”

Meanwhile Psycho comes in with “Skips phone keeps pinging  it's disturbing my beauty sleep 😂🤣”

Psycho asks Can I run in my  P J' s?  to which the Hare replies “You can go naked if you want, the streets are pretty empty, but it is chilly out there!”

Psycho states “That's no clothes too far. With a body like mine I could draw people out into the street 😄😅”

We are circling up at 11:00hrs. last week it took us 40 minutes to get around, many SCBs surprised themselves to get around a whole rail so quickly

Kylie is just getting ready, & asks “don't suppose the Hare can give me hint as to whether I'll need my waterproof socks on?”  The Hare replies “Yes, Virtual neoprene ones are recommended!

Then some are alerted to the fact that Theresa set her own nickname to Mother & Cliff set his own nickname to Lemming. Mother set the emoji to 💋. Lemming set the emoji to 👽. mMother changed the chat theme to Hot Pink.

Lemming then loses all his Brownie Points as he exclaims “I saw Mother do something?  Psycho enquires “A Paula Radcliff? “💩

Mother bleats “I didn't do a Paula 🖕”

There is a False Start as Wanktlers joins in with “I'm confused, it's only 10.13 am!”  Mother is confused too!

Shit you right says the Hare, as he’s been working that morning & with all of what is happening everything is out of kilter!

Mother wants to know “What's wrong with hot pink?” she chose for the chat colour?  Mr X replies “On UK Nash Hash Ancient Britons, it was known as 'Monkey Bum Pink'”

Milf is relived at the hiatus in starting the Trail as she asked “Have we got time to let our fried breakfast go down please? 😜” Before adding that Kylie is still stuck in the lav 🚂 with a train spotting magazine

Sis says Flip top given up before start, too technical for him, try again next week, with some prior tuition Mr X 😁 He’ll share Sis’s mobile!


Welcome to the second virtual Herts Hash, normal Hash Rules apply (There are no rules, except what the RA says!)  You will be given options at Check points, as you make your way around what is a Trail covering a real area in Herts, on the way around you’ll be given clues as to where you have run, there could be a prize of a fresh, pristine, unused toilet tissue.

You will need a coin, to toss at certain points to decide which way to go.

It is not a spelling test, so no critique required…

But Lobby is more concerned about the chat colour “Where’s the green gone don’t like the red!!

FWB joins the group

The Hare now apologies “Sorry about the premature start earlier, things are all out of kilter being isolated, so stand by to circle up again!”

Spotted Dick & Custard join the Pack while there is further delay as Wanktlers goes to scare some virtual squirrels

Lobby asks if anyone got a poo bag please [Is that for Mark E Mark or Mother? – Ed] Sis & Fliptop come to the rescue with “We got poo bags aplenty”

No Eye Deer asks do we need waterproofs. Maybe for as this is the first official day of British Summer time, it’s trying to sleet out there!  Milf wants to know “Is the pub open for a wee please?”  So, the virtual Hash is just like the real ting!

11:02 & My Lil' would be tapping his watch right now, so as a few more have joined the VH (Virtual Hash) this week - Fliptop will welcome you all to the Hash

Via Sis’s mobile, the GM says “Welcome to H4 virtual hash number 2!”  Wanktlers shouts out “Hooray!”” but he’s on his own!

The Trail starts from outside of the Pub, which again would piss off My Lil’, but as he’s a Luddite & not in to tech, so he can’t see this!  Just as Slug joins with a “Did I miss something or are we on European summer time?”

Skip & Psycho are back, Flanders is ready, Sludge is probably in the ‘Dog House’ or the ‘Self Isolating Quarantine station’ as it is now known!

You start with a choice of running northward or southward on the High Street, make your choice?

Fliptop, Lobby, No Eye Deer & Milf all choose the correct option, while Lemming is ‘Still stretching’ [Stretching what Lemming? We ask! – Ed]  Milf warn Lemming to be careful.

Mother calls “Checking” while Psycho is waiting

South is correct, as p-arrows lead away by a the red-brick wall, this has a Lytch-gate to a St Helen's Church dedicated St Helen the mother of Roman Emperor Constantine the Great, having moved on by the War Memorial set back in the wall, the Trail follows the wall around to head almost due west on Church Street toward the old Rectory, beyond this arrows point the way across the road as it turns to the southwest, just beyond a school entrance a Check is found

Do you continue up the rise road Brewery Hill named after its former Brewery connections?  Or take to the side road of Wick Avenue off to the southeast on a rising estate?

Mother, Milf, Lobby, Mark E Mark & Spotted Dick chose the correct option.  While Slug and 3D are going backwards & will See you in a bit?  Wanktlers goes wrong by continuing straight on.

Psycho now says “Just saved to my niece who is at her window watching this Cockamamie bunch run past!  Milf also Waved to Psycho’s niece.

The side road of Wick Avenue up through the estate it is, Sis runs “Up the rise, never check downhill!”  You are now following p-arrows on a rising road that turns due south, TC slows up until up on the level where a Check is found where a footpath crosses from east to west, do you take to the east alleyway, the west alleyway or carry on along the street to the south?

Mother, FWB, Milf & Wanktlers chose the right alleyway, while No Eye Deer, Sis & Spotted Dick go astray.

Mark E Mark chooses the right option, but also claims that he’s wearing a vest.  Mr X wonders why in this weather? A vest in this weather Mark E?

“On!” is called from the west, the fenced in footpath between the homes emerges out on to a green space, where a few years ago Pepé le Pew make snow angels there one winter!  A Check is found by a cut-through to a Cul-de-sac of Barton Road to the north, do you search there, continue westward or search the green to the south?  No Eye Deer asks “Pepe Who??” [Meow! - Ed]

Milf, Mother, Fliptop are Checking & checking the correct way, leaving Spotted Dick to go wrong further to the west!

Dust is found over the low grassy ridge on to Maltings Drive to the South of the green, then on down the suburban street to a T Junction where it joins a road with a delightful name of Butterfield Road, here a Check sits.  Directly across from the Check, across the road, is an obviously signed footpath between the new & old estates to the south, is this the correct route?  Or do you take the east or west road options?

Lemming seems to be the only one to search down the footpath is the correct option, you run by the dead-end of a cul-de-sac of High Ash Road, this is too much for Sludge who goes Off Trail to investigate in attempt to outwit the Hare, but there is no Trail there.  Do you call him back?

Milf says “I better see if he’s ok 😜” & Flanders & Lobby are concerned.  Skip asks if Sludge can hear us? Mother says "NO!" & Wanktlers adds “S*d 'im!”

Suddenly FWB shouts out “Ouch I fell over 🧎🏻️”  Thankfully Milf is on Hand as a First Responder.  Mother claims that it’s too cold to hang around [No sympathy there then? – Ed]

Sis now realises that  - "This the fastest Herts hash I've been on and there are some surprise FRBs!", while Flanders states that she is now lost but FWB claims she can see Flanders.  Meanwhile Lobby encourages her with a friendly “Come on Flanders hurry 😜up!”

No Eye Deer claims to have just looked up the church from the first check. We are in Cornwall.  Do I win? [Nope say the Hare! – Ed]

The narrow fenced-in path soon enters a long wooded spit, now underfoot there is leaf litter & Shiggy.  The broadleaf woodland spreads out, to the left is an old school playing field, but the school is long gone.  The Trail comes down to the edge of an area that was once the haunt of an infamous Lady, The Wicked Lady - Lady Ferrers.  The narrow fenced-in path soon enters a long wooded spit, now underfoot there is leaf litter & Shiggy.  The broadleaf woodland of Nomans land common spreads out, to the left is an old school playing field, but the school is long gone.  The Trail comes down to the edge of an area that was once the haunt of an infamous Lady.

The SCBs are offered a Short Cut over the Playing fields, as they make their way across the pitches, Sludge appears from the edge of the wood below them & cuts across he pitches to beat them to the corner of the field.

Is it a long way back from Sludge? "Pufff!" says Milf

The Keenies are now on a loop around the woodland to the south of the playing field, Lemming now knows this & is soon heading on the northbound path weaving its way through some feral land to come back on the edge of the main road B651 Sandridge Road to reach the top of the hill, there you find a CHK & the SCBs over on the eastern side of the junction.

Fliptop & Sis warn the rest that they’ve just let Teddy off watch out!  Cue lots of whistling & calling as Fliptop drops behind the rest of the Pack who are chuckling away to themselves while Spotted Dick can’t let poppy off she would be in the road

Kylie lets the squirrel out of the bag by grassing that Milf has just sneaked off to scare the squirrels.  Mother asks Does she need a 💩?  Milf asks if “Anyone have a tissue please?  Wanktlers offers Milf “I can sell you some tissue!”  But FWB offers hers for free.  No Eye Deer is glad to see the tone of the hash has improved 😉

SCBs gather around the Check Point, until TBT OBE sneezes, then they all disperse beyond the recommend 2 metre distance!

Meanwhile on the loop.  Lemming points out that Flour seems rare in these parts Milf says “You see flour?????” The Hare claims that there was a long queue at Tesco due to the 2 metre rule, only one bag was left on the shelf, it was that or today's star prize?

While Spotted Dick wishes that he’s brought a cagoule as its snowing now.  Fliptop, via Sis shouts out “Keep Running!”

3D & Slug are back after the Short Cut, they arrive with a “Great we have found you. Morning all!” after walking the Trail backwards!

Your choices are to head northward on to the Hill, north-eastward on Hill Dyke Road into the housing estate where some of the streets are named after Conquerors, ancient Britons & Mercian Kings, or follow the green footpath sign pointing away through the hedgerow footpath leading away to the east?

Lemming has seen some white tissue, he wonders is that the marking?  Kylie claims that it was Milf, so Wanktlers calls out to grab it!  While Kylie bemoans its second hand!  Mr X says it’s Ok if you use the other side.  Being pragmatic, Psycho says that it’ll be soaring with flour as it is a rare commodity in Herts.  Milf points out that she buries hers, just like Kylie’s cat!

Those on the footpath behind the homes find Dust as it leads behind the homes before leaving them behind & coming out on to the northern end of open farmland, it’s a long trot on a footpath without the usual Shiggy underfoot, Meanwhile Fliptop lets Teddy again off the lead, cue more whistling & Basil Faultyesque actions as Fliptop drops behind the rest of the Pack who are chuckling away to themselves!

Psycho warn the Pack that Skip coming up the rest with his poles [Oh Err! - Ed]

No Eye Deer recalls “I seem to remember getting very lost at Lemmings run due to lack of flour, Scarred me for life😂”

Milf had to stop Have to explain markings to (virtual) dog walkers, with Kylie asking if Any cards were handed out? Psycho is concerned with Milf, “I hope you kept your distance?”  Lemming reckons that Milf would need long arms, Milf had sanitized her virtual Hash cards!

Spotted Dick has learnt nothing from watching Fliptop & Teddy, Poppy’s off the lead and heading for the FRBs

Just started snowing for Wanktlers he wants to know where's that SC to the Rub a Dub?

Now things went a bit strange as Kylie asks “Is that a ball gag mother?  Mother relies that Lemming said to wear it!  We shall leave it there!!

At the end of the footpath is a narrow rustic lane Dyke Lane, with a CHK being situated on the entrance to a Beech Hyde Farm, the choices here are southwest, northeast on the Dyke Lane with a name that makes Pebbledash laugh or east through the farmyard toward an area associated with a persecuted writer? John Bunyan at Coleman Green

While Lobby & FWB are feeling the cold [Turn your central heating up! – Ed] Mark E Mark claims he must have something I'm baking hot [Self Isolate for 14 days young man! – Ed]  Mark E Mark is told he needs his temperature taken, Mr X says that there’s no doubt one could be removed from one of TBT OBE’s orifice?  Mark E Mark asks “Should I bend over?” [We shall leave it there! – Ed]

Wanktlers wants to know “Is anyone still on Trail?”  Milf calls “On! On” FWB replies with “Found you Milf On! On!”

Spotted Dick asks “Are you?”

The booze hounds are led through the Beech Hyde Farm as they have the smell of hops in their nostrils, but the lure of Ale will only end in a Falsie, so back to find the Trail has been found by those who chose the north-eastern option on the narrow lane for a few yards, where Dust was found in the gap in the large hazel hedge

Beyond the hazel, having weaved your way through a small pine plantation, a CHK is found where you have two choices, one on a path up on the level, the others is on a steep decent down through an area wrongly given a Satanic name, the Devil's Dyke.  Do you lose height, or stay with the high-ground?

Mark E Mark claims “I'm high!” to which the Hare says that is the wrong type of Hash

Sis/Fliptop, Wanktlers, Spotted Dick all choose the right way dropping down in the deep long tree lined hollow of the Devil's Dyke find dust, but on the way the leaf litter hides deep Shiggy, so deep that there are wooden stepping stones, but careful TBT OBE, these are really slippery & you don’t want to end up face down like Fartin Martin did many years ago!  Too late, TBT OBE & Sparky both go down (Steady Pebbledash!)

Spotted Dick’s cagoule is off snow stopped!  No Eye Deer asks “Is that your collection Milf”  She replies with just a few before being questioned on the whereabouts of her Blue Norfolk Hash top, as Mother Points out its not in back of your car then?

The route levels out to bring the Hash out through an open gate set in between two red brick pillars, there a Check is found by an information board, there are two options, to continue north down the narrow Dyke lane, or to take a few paces back to the south to a Cul-de-sac named after the Tudor dynasty resulting from the end of the Wars of the Roses?

Spotted Dick & Custard now think they know where we are, it was the only hash Angus came on, he thought we were all special! (They were correct but answers were not to be put in until the end!)

No Eye Deer was the only one to go down northward down the narrow lane to find arrows pointing straight over the main road & on to another rustic Sheepcote lane running form beside an Italian restaurant, My Lil’ does an impression of Olive off of ‘On the Buses’ with an “Ooh Arthur!” - H4 Hashed from here when it was a Pub with a nautical connection.

Spotted Dick asks did someone say sweety stop? Not yet, but he hands out virtual Bertie Bassets Allsorts!

The Keenies run on down the hedge-in lane named after old English name for sheep dipping (No, its not Foster’s lane)  the likes of TBT OBE,  Zing-a-long-a-max all run on by, following Wanktlers, Milf, Spotted Dick, Mark E Mark & No Eye Deer by a footpath off through the large hedge starting by the last house on the on the left, they all run on thought the dry ford to find a Bar CHK!

“Bugger!” says Milf; Damn from Mother, Mark E Mark “Double bugger!” & Mother adds💩💩 while Wanktlers says “Should have laid off that curry last night then!” to a claim that its windy in Tring!  Lemming is confused as it’s supposedly nice in Tring, but Psycho points out that it could be another type of wind [This week’s virtual Trail has degenerated far more than the first effort! – Ed]

Back up to the footpath to the west, this was fenced in with horse paddocks on either side, a CHK is located where another fenced in footpath heads away to the north.  Do you stick with the westerly path running below the local allotments & the most direct route back to the On Inn, or do you turn to the north?

Only Mark E Mark is correct as A T is found up by the Marford Road allotments, so it’s back to those on the northbound path to catch up with who find the Dust, but progress is slowed as Milf finds a Kissing Gate at the elbow in the path, pucker up all! [It’s a virtual kiss, so don’t panic Paxo!]

The path now to the west, there is plenty of Shiggy along the way between more horse Paddocks, these being home to Ewok’s favourite Thelwell ‘Shetland Ponies’  eventually the Trail comes out on to  an open green area, at the top end of playing fields with football pitches.  Ewok stops to say ‘Hello!’ to the mini ponies, slowing up those behind her.

There are nettles along this stretch, but panic not for they do not sting this time of the year!

Milf cries out “Ouch! Ouch! Dock leaf anyone?”  Bah humbug says Fliptop, relief all around as The Trail now cuts northward over to the banks of a river Lea, arrows point straight down in to the high rushing water.  Wade through up to your waist* in the cold wet ford!            * for Mother just below her bust!

Out of the chilly water & you can really appreciate that warm tingly feeling down your legs, or have you had a bladder leak?  While other moan about cold, wet feet [You do have issues out there you guys! – Ed]  Psycho wonders if anyone seen Skip?  The Hare states that he'll mark the Trail for him!  As Psycho states she hopes Skip is “Still coming up the rear I hope!”

Arrows point the way over the meadow area to the northeast, a CHK is found on a large round Drain Cover, do you chose to cross the wooden footbridge over the river Lea, or carry on to the end of the meadow?

Spotted Dick & Mark E Mark look on the bridge, where there is a Bar Check!  So, back to follow Fliptop/Sis, Milf & Where’s Wally? to the end of the meadow

There is a bar check on the bridge, so the end of the meadow & Kylie is happy as this dry capped route was once an old railway line as it heads westward, then northward through a small housing estate of Waddling Lane to come out to a main Codicote road where everyone’s led westward to a roundabout by a Girls School.  Kylie gets even more excited, not by the nearby Girl School which is shut due to Coronavirus, but by what is at the top of the steps in the bank on the south-eastern section of the roundabout, get a hankie out, for hidden behind the trees at the top of the green grassy bank is a restored Wheathampstead railway station, with its single platform.

It sweet stop time at the restored little station, complete with luggage barrow & flower baskets, milk churns etc.  Whatever She Says hands out the humbugs, while Rose offers out the Jelly Babies.  Unfortunately there is nothing Vegan for Zing-along-a-max, the Hare takes note & promises something vegan for next week [Don’t panic all you omnivores, its virtual!

Sparky adds his contribution to the sweet stop, Marathon Bars, which were rebranded in July 1990!  Milf turns down the offer with a polite “No thanks, will be starting a diet NOW!”  Virtual Diet?

Custard points out to the gannets of the Hash that the sweeties are nearly gone!  Psycho is not surprised by the “Greedy bu****s!”

Skip reminisces “Marathon those were the days the bars were full size!” No Eye Deer becomes all nostalgic by claiming she preferred them when they were called Marathon Bars!  While FWB claims to have missed out on the sweets (They are virtual)

On again & down the steps to follow the road around on to the High Street, crossing the bridge over the river, then crossing over the road, via the crossing, to take to a path by the old Millstream, running behind the Butchers & the Bakers, though not candlestick makers, over the gurgling water gushing in to the culvert for the mill to run out along a footpath by heading out westward to a gate at the end of the walled path of King Edwards Way, here the Trail turns to the south, to run along beside the serpentine like Crinkle-Crankle wall to then turn on to another footpath that runs down below St Helen’s Church to the On Inn.  St Helen’s cheers up Max Factor!

As the FRBs return they see Ketchup arrives late with Prince Garmin.  Having forgotten to put his clock forward an hour!

For the toilet roll  -  Where have you been running today?  Psycho was first in with Wheathampstead, though a good percentage had already worked this out, like Spotted Dick & Custard.

Clues were Brewhouse Hill, The Wicked Lady, John Bunyan & the Farr Brewery, John Bunyan, The Devils Dyke, Wheathamstead station, & the walled garden with its Crinkle Crankle Wall.

There will be a virtual raffle, to boost the Christmas Money collected for Homeless youngsters in Herts.

The Pack seemed Happy with the Virtual Trail & sent their thanks, then Mr X left the group chat to give himself a Down-Down!